Much needed time off.

Just what I needed, some time away from him. Time to breathe, feel free and relax.

Today we had booked to see an art experience and then were going to meet a very close friend. Fortunately our neighbours were willing to give dad his lunch and afternoon tea. What a relief. I was so pleased he would be looked after and I could escape for a while.

We really enjoyed the art and I got to offload all my worries on our friend who is a wonderful listener.

We got home and I always have some dread inside me after a happy time if dad is around because for as long as I can remember, happy times were immediately followed by awful times if he was present.

For example a fun, relaxing day out with friends would end with him turning into a raging red-faced monster with a twisted mouth angrily shouting at the top of his voice about heaven knows what. This would happen as soon as we were in the car out of sight and earshot of our friends.

That would knock the wind out of me and my Mum completely as we were still in our happy place because of the great time we had just had. It happened so often, it became a pattern of behaviour and we would try and work out why. Eventually we realised he must have tried so hard to keep a cheerful, happy face on all day in company that when it was just the three of us, he would explode. His fun and frivolity had all been an act.

That still makes me feel queasy to this day. I know my Mum and I also wore smiles on our faces to cover our shame and pain but at least we were authentic with our friends. He never was. To this day so many people including his siblings and family think he is such a wonderful man and have not got a clue as to who he really is.

Returning to this afternoon... I joyfully walked in all relaxed and happy after a few hours break and checked he was ok. That was the worst thing I could have done, he was infuriated that I had had the audacity to leave him in the care of neighbours and and what's more, I had also enjoyed my time away.

He said he was fine but the neighbours had had trouble with our dogs. I thought that was strange as our dogs are very friendly and usually well-behaved. So I texted the neighbour my thanks and told her that dad said the dogs had given them a difficult time. She replied 'not at all, in fact the opposite occurred. They were so good'.

Argh, I had fallen into his age old trap of spoiling a happy time. I don't know why, I guess I always hope he will be real and honest, not conniving and sly but no, that is never going to happen. He was just saying that about the dogs as he knew he could get at me that way as my dogs are everything to me. As far as he was concerned, it is my duty to care for him and I had neglected my duty today. So once again, a happy time has been sullied with a knock back from him. I try not to let it get to me but that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is there once again.

PS More neighbours and friends have also offered their assistance and time to care for him from now on. So I am going to make the most of that and escape my duties more often.