Tears flowing

When it all gets too much for me.

Last night was a prime example.

He has a urinary tract infection. Unfortunately in my wisdom and for want of an easier life, I have started using an online pharmacy for all our meds. They book and organise all his meds and a package is duly delivered by post and makes my life a little easier.

The downside of this is that if the GP has to prescribe him emergency meds like antibiotics and they do not consider the delay that will occur in dad receiving these due to the postage, we have a problem. A few GPs do ask if they can send it to a local pharmacy but that rarely happens.

Ten days ago on the Friday he had a urine test, obviously it showed an infection. Last Friday a week later, the GP phoned up to tell him about the infection and meds. But he will probably only receive them on Monday or Tuesday. This is causing him a leakage as the urine bypasses the catheter and wets his pants. He was oblivious to this and came through the house with wet trousers. I noticed and told him. He was not fussed.

I have just bought him a booster cushion for the very low sofa he lies on; it's not washable and when I checked there is now urine on there. I sprayed the stain and placed a puppy pad on it. I asked him to please put some of those Tena for men pants on but no.

A couple of hours later, he got ready for bed and when I asked if he was wearing the Tena pants, he said he was not. Why do I even bother? There are puppy mats on the bed too but they move around as he sleeps, so there will be more washing of sheets in the morning. To add to my load of jobs.

I asked if his underpants were wet and he said they were. I found them on top of his clothes. I asked him to please put them in the wash if that happens, he knows that but no. No thought about helping me at all. He is not in any pain or discomfort, he just does not consider anyone else. Now I know that when the elderly get UTI's, they can get a bit confused, I experienced that with my Mum a few times. But he is not muddled at all. He knows exactly what he is doing. I asked where his wet trousers were. They were in the midst of all his clothes. I took everything to wash.

Then I had to do his ears. I really hope the neighbours don't think I am doing something awful to him as the fuss and noise he makes each time is very loud and disturbing.

He had a few more demands before I could turn my back on him and finally walk out of that room, with my eyes brimming with tears as I was so worn down by his manner with me.

I took some fresh air in the back garden and then silently scuttled upstairs before he could demand anything else.

My husband was sitting watching TV upstairs. I sat down next to him and fell apart. The tears would not stop. I don't want to live here any more. I don't want to have to do anything more for him. I can't take it any longer. I have had enough.

[By the way, if anyone is going away for Christmas and New Year and needs a house sitter with two dogs, please let me know.]

Now you may think all these happenings sound quite mundane and petty so why do I make such a fuss of them. If you have never experienced any type of abuse, I am really pleased for you but if you have, you will know that it really wears you down.

It demolishes your self esteem and causes mental and physical exhaustion. Every so-called 'mundane' event becomes a huge issue for you. I realised this long ago. I would be telling friends or family about his rages over meals, car trips, etc and the response I would get is why are you making such a big deal of that? That would be accompanied by a look on their face that I cannot describe.

I realised they did not 'get it'. They could not understand because they had fortunately never been through anything like this. The difference in empathy when I went to therapy was huge. Therapists understood. I would even sometimes say as a precursor to a story in therapy, " I know this does not sound important or a major event but...." The therapist would check me and tell me if I was vocalising it, it must be important. And it is. For me.