Being brave...

...and asking for help. I know now when I need to ask for help and have personal therapy. For a few months I have felt completely overwhelmed and have been thinking of starting therapy but I kept putting it off. Today, I finally took the plunge. I have found an experienced integrative therapist who has a variety of skills and expertise.

I had my first session today. I know from previous interventions that I unknowingly test the therapist to check if I can work with them. I do this in different ways. Today I just spoke and realised I was listening intently to her thoughts and reactions. The moment I knew she was the right therapist for me was when I realised that she understood what I am going through. She asked if I ever have any time when my mind and body are calm. Truth is, I don't. My whole body is on edge all of the time. And that is exhausting.

I try to have calm, serene times. I really do. I meditate. I go for walks with the dogs. But I have found the only time I truly switch off and relax is when I am in the garden getting dirty with my hands in the soil - planting or weeding. Then, I am at one with Mother Earth and nothing comes between us. The only thoughts floating through my mind are focussed on the job at hand.

At any other time, I have a variety of thoughts crisscrossing my noisy mind. For example, I need to do this or that; it is time for his meal; I have forgotten to do the washing....it is never-ending. There is a line from a movie that has stuck with me since my teenage years: "Do the noises in my head bother you?" I know the feeling well.

In conclusion, this therapist displayed an empathic understanding of me and my situation. It was illuminating and helpful to see her notice things during my first session that others have missed or only ever briefly touched on. This therapeutic experience is going to be rocky, complicated and difficult but I am ready and willing to give it my all. Therapy is never easy. It is really uncomfortable to be so open, honest and vulnerable but the rewards of giving that kind awareness to oneself are the route to healing.