It's been a while.

How do I start this? I have not put pen to paper for quite some time. Writing does not come easily to me so thoughts generally bubble up and then are regurgitated and that cycle continues until some semblance of sense is formed and I can write something coherent .

I notice my previous blog noted how the healing would take time.

So true. It feels like my physiological body has healed/is healing quicker than my mind. I realise I was always on my nerves when my father was around but when he passed, my body could calm down at last. I still find when anything 'bad' happens, my anxiety zooms from 0 to 250 but after responding to said issue, physical tension is relieved relatively soon.

My mind on the other hand is a whole different 'kettle of fish'!

[What a strange saying, heaven knows where that comes from.]

My mind is on a very different healing journey. One that is convoluted and harrowing.

A friend noted recently that she had worked with children who had experienced trauma but she had no idea how that trauma would affect them as adults. People think that children will grow out of it, especially with therapy and gentle care. How I wish that was the case.

I had hoped that once my father passed, I would be okay. I think friends thought so too. I am better than I was but my mind keeps bringing up stuff that causes me to spiral downward back into the frightening darkness of my childhood. The nightmares and flashbacks since my father's passing have been terrifying. They are so real, I am left shaken and dazed. Horrendous.

I had a nightmare last night. So I am sitting here numb and puzzled trying to work out what it was all about. I woke myself up with a shudder as it was so scary. These nightmares and flashbacks always have my father in them. He is up close and personal and as real as can be.

I liken it to years ago when we used to defragment our computers. I found it fascinating watching those little coloured blocks being thrown in the air and then landing all neatly in organised rows. Another example was a TV programme in the 80s called 'Ready, steady, cook' where members of the public would bring a random assortment of ingredients and two chefs would concoct delicious meals.

My mind does similar. It takes random images, thoughts, words, etc, throws them up in my memory headspace and punches out horrifying experiences that are dark, distant memories.

One such flashback happened a few weeks ago. Four images as clear as day, each accompanied by a horror movie like screech intruded into my sleep:

• A doll with my blood splattered on her.

• Me about four years old, smiling.

• Same four years old me face down.

• My father with his angry vicious twisted mouth.

Then darkness.

I remember the home we were in at the time and I vaguely remember the experience but I had not thought about it for years. I clearly remember my Mum trying to wash the blood off the doll. She managed to clean the face and hands but she had to remove the clothes to wash them by hand.

The random things that happened to bring that memory to the surface:

• I put a doll in a box for charity.

• I found old photos of me when I was young.

• I found an old passport but did not know whose it was. I opened it and saw my father's photograph. My immediate gut reaction was a horrible gurgling roar. My husband asked what was the matter but I could not speak.

That night I had the flashback.

Are these flashbacks and nightmares therapeutic? I think they are. I hope that by experiencing these previously locked away memories in such a vivid and realistic way, it is healing for my mind, body and soul. My initial reaction is a shocked, frightened stupor for a time, thereafter I cry buckets and eventually I feel lighter and better.

Obviously I would prefer not to be terrified so often but maybe the feelings I felt at the time of the original experience need to be freed too.