Things that make me smile.

I am so grateful for the 'good things' that have arrived since my father passed.

Here are a few examples.

Then:

Waking up restless and exhausted after a disturbed night's sleep due to caring for him. And filled with the morning dread for the day ahead.

Now:

Relaxed mornings.

There are times I do sleep soundly and wake up calmly with no intrusive thoughts busying my mind.

I do the morning chores and then sit outside in most weathers, breathing in the new day with my cup of tea whilst listening to the birds start their day.

I am thankful for the peace and calmness.

It grounds me.

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Then:

Hiding and creeping about upstairs so I would not have to interact with him unless he shouted for me. [He spent his days and nights downstairs.]

Also, keeping out of certain areas of the house that were his domain where I and others were not welcome. This included the lounge.

Now:

Free to roam our home as I so wish. Took me quite a few months to feel okay about entering and settling in the lounge though. There seemed to be an invisible barrier with an ominous feeling attached that prevented me from doing so. Possibly a subliminal danger still resided in my brain.

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Then:

Speedy showers.

I had to be at his beck and call at all times and his frenetic frustration towards me requiring my own self care was overwhelming. As I was so conditioned, I would shower in haste.

Now:

I take my sweet time.

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Then:

All his food had to be perfect to his requirements. Neither my Mom or I are naturally gifted cooks so the times that food was either sent back or thrown at us was numerous. For example, sausages had to be browned all round, bacon had to be crispy, toast had to be browned to within a second of being burnt. [I understand people have different preferences but my father's demands were always manifested in manipulation and control.]

Now:

As long as the food is cooked, my husband and I are happy to eat it. This has given me the confidence to try and cook meals I would never have attempted before. I have a freedom to experiment. Some failures, some successes but at least I can try without demeaning repercussions.

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Then:

My day was spent walking on eggshells, I was always hyper-vigilant and on my last nerve trying to brace myself for any dealings with him.

Now:

Apart from the flashbacks and nightmares I have once or twice a fortnight, I inhabit a calm life and home. My job entails looking after the house and garden at present and so my time is my own. I have undergone therapy. I have given myself time and space to start expressing my grief and confusion surrounding my father's issues. My therapist explained that living with my father was almost like living in a cult and now I have to retrain my mind and 'uncondition' myself. It is not easy. But I realise I have a developing awareness regarding those times I regress into past submissive ways and controlled thinking.

That is all part of the healing.

I may not be able to change my mindset immediately but it will come.

I am free now.