Letting off steam.

This care malarkey is such a rollercoaster. Just when I felt safe and calm as I hardly had to deal with my dad any more, sh*t happens. He fell and now he needs a lot more care again. I am home so it all falls on my shoulders. Aaaaargh. Don't get me wrong, I really feel for him in his pain and distress. He had one helluva fall. The crash and wallop we heard from upstairs was truly awful. Really, he is fortunate he only came out of it with a bruised elbow and a split lip. As I have stated before and realise some readers cannot understand my reasoning, I do have empathy for him at certain times, even though he has wronged me.

He has been forced to have a liquid diet for a few days. That is really difficult for him. He loves his food so much. Along with that though, he is still very weak and wobbly from the fall so he does not want to take the chance of emptying his catheter day bag himself. Muggins has to do that. It entails pressing a lever at the lower end of his day bag which is on his lower leg, emptying it into a plastic bottle, pushing the lever back into closed position and throwing the bottle's contents down the toilet. Usually he has to do that about four times per day. At present on this liquid diet, I have to do it every hour. Joys. He is having six cups of soup and at least four cups of tea along with all the water he has to drink anyway.

Let us hope he can return to his usual food diet soon and that he gets stronger so he can empty his own day bag. Then I won't have to deal with him so much and I will feel happier again. I don't know, his frenetic energy just winds me up. I do not like being around him. That has always been the case. He has either been horrible to my Mum and me or he has been putting on an act with others. So I did not like either situation.

During the aftermath of his fall, he said that he did not want his morning carer to see him in that state. Hmmm, he is obviously on his best behaviour with her all the time trying to impress her. If she only knew.

Anyway, as for me - I have been a bit down in the dumps again. It is not just dad's fall and the hullabaloo surrounding that; there has been a lot of other stuff going on too. And it all gets a bit much for me. I also realised that I have not listened to my grounding meditations recently. They make a big difference to my day. They really set me up for the day, giving me strength and a positive attitude so I can cope.

This evening, I popped in to our lodgers lounge and just said 'excuse me, I need to let off steam'. I did an exaggerated silent scream. She smiled. It was helpful to have someone witness my feelings. I used to let off steam when I was younger by hitting a tennis ball against a wall for hours on end. That used to help a lot. Think I need to find an activity or exercise for me now that gives a similar release of frustrations and pent up emotions. It is not good to keep it all inside you, it screws you up more than you realise. Set it free. Let it go. Well, that is what I keep telling myself. Maybe one day I will heed my own advice.