Yesterday...

... was another overwhelming day.

I felt like I was in the middle of one of those experiences I have had many times before as a teenager - where I am swimming in the sea and a huge wave suddenly appears and dunks me sending me into its depths. I start spinning like a tumbleweed as the sea wraps me into a tight ball. When I open my eyes, the spinning pattern I can see is sand-sunshine-sand-sunshine-sand-sunshine…. Until the sea unceremoniously dumps me on the beach and I lie there for a few minutes like a beached whale trying to find my bearings and process what just happened.

Firstly, I had a good four hours' sleep on Wednesday night before waking up at 4am with tears streaming down my face and my mind a whirlwind of all the experiences that I had bounced into during my first therapy session on Tuesday. I went and lay in the spare room so as not to disturb my husband as I knew he had a very busy day lined up. I sobbed my heart out for an hour until I fell into a deep sleep and did not even hear him get up and go to work. I had a very lethargic morning feeling very tired but made myself get up and dressed as I did not know what the day would bring but wanted to feel more prepared. I really wanted to stay in my pjs and snooze away the day safely cocooned in my comfy bed with my dogs keeping me safe.

My father’s carer came, I had a laugh with her and all seemed well with the world. But I was in a dozey state and forgot to take my new medicine that I need an hour before eating and then forgot to take my blood pressure medicine when I eventually had breakfast. I wondered why I had such a headache later. Thought it was all the stress. Then I remembered and took my bp tablet.

I’m doing a Nature based therapy course at present so I sat here trying to get my head round my next module which is quite deep and makes me feel sad. It is about indigenous peoples and the loss of their kanyini.

I looked out of the window for inspiration and saw the district nurses walking towards our house. Unexpected, as I had not called them but thought they must be coming to change my father’s catheter. I tried to work out how many weeks ago it had been changed as it seemed to be sooner than the usual 12 weeks.

In they came and I left them to their business. I came upstairs. It seemed to be going on longer than usual and I wondered what was happening. One of them called my name and they explained that he had started bleeding heavily when they tried to insert the new catheter. They advised me that he needed to seek specialist help. I asked what that meant and they told me to phone 999. I did so and told the operator what had happened and then passed the phone to one of the nurses. An ambulance would be with us in thirty minutes.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rang and the ambulance was here! Apparently it was one from out of our area that had just dropped off a patient at the huge cancer hospital down the road from us. I was grateful that the nurses were here as the ambulance staff chatted to them instead of me. The nurses left and then the ambulance staff (not paramedics - one was a nurse, not sure about the very young lad who seemed to be working his iPad for the first time) seemed to be trying to find the quickest and easiest solution to this problem. My father had stopped bleeding by now but had no catheter in which causes him a lot of pain as he still needs to pass water.

This has happened before and it occurs due to the trauma in that area caused by years of catheter insertions and removals. The nurses and I had both told them that he needed to go to an A & E but they ignored this and tried finding other solutions. None of which came to fruition. I was relieved he was not bleeding any more as this delay could have been very serious. They asked if I could drive, I said ‘no'. In my mind I thought there was no ways I would take him to hospital anyway as he could bleed out in the car. They asked which hospital we would recommend, my father and I both told them the calmer, quieter hospital that we know well and all like. But the busier city hospital was a mile less in distance so they ignored my father’s pleas and decided to take him there. The waiting times are always longer there so I knew they would be kept waiting with him for hours. They asked if I would go in the ambulance but I said ’no’. This decision was met with a look of disdain.

I always used to go with my Mum but I struggle to be in such close proximity to my father at any time but especially when he is poorly. The female ambulance member seemed unhappy with my decision but I stuck by my gut reaction. They made him walk up the steep ramp into the ambulance and you could see he was terrified.

I called his carer and asked her if she would kindly visit him in A & E as we knew he would be there for hours. She went three hours later and bought him a sandwich, got him another blanket and tried to calm him down. She also struggled with one of the ambulance staff’s demeanour but at least she spent some time with him. About an hour and a half later, he was placed on the ward and catheterised with a camera to see the cause of the bleeding. That caused him to bleed heavily once again.

My husband came home at 5pm and took me to the hospital. Been dreading going to that hospital as it would be my first visit since Ma passed on a ward there. And that carried an enormous weight of sadness as her last few days there had been so traumatic for all of us after her fall. [Her death was peaceful though, thank goodness.]

Took my father his glasses and the book he is reading at present as that is his escape. Also took his meds, and clean clothes but actually have just realised I forgot to take his toiletries! [Oh well, hopefully they can give him a toothbrush and toothpaste.] He wanted me to stay for an hour so my husband left for his meeting and I contacted my father's family as he requested. Their kind, speedy responses made him quite emotional. That has been happening during hospital stays the past few years and it is very unusual. But I guess he is scared as extremely scary things have been happening to him!

The nurses were nearby and when I saw blood seeping through his blanket, I called them and they checked him immediately. I felt relieved that they would take care of him so I reassured him that he was in the safest place. The nurse said he can come home today if the bleeding stops. When I left last night, his catheter bag looked like a blood transfusion bag. And he was still painfully passing a lot of blood clots.

I left to go home and found walking down those familiar corridors brought tears to my eyes but I pulled myself together and went to find the bus stop.

I arrived home to a very warm, excited welcome from my dogs. They are a great tonic for me!

It was difficult getting to sleep last night as my mind was whirring but I have had about five hours sleep before my mind started buzzing with thoughts once again. So I got up to put it all on paper and it has helped me calm down. The tears were flowing in torrents when I started typing but have now subsided into pools in my eyes.

It is a strange feeling. I have had to distance myself from him and think of him as an elderly lodger who needs care. I call him my father but there is a definite disconnect there. Some of my friends find it difficult to understand how I can still help him but I always say he is still a human being and I treat him as I would any human - with respect. I understand he did not do the same to me but I am not him. I do not want anyone to feel the way he made me feel.