Eek!

Well, here goes - just over two weeks on my own with him. I am trying my best to squash the dread and despair of the forthcoming fortnight. I have always hated goodbyes so the early farewell this morning to my husband, who is flying away to the other side of the world, is engulfing that which is to come relating to my dad's histrionics.

I was asked this morning by a good friend how I was going to cope and whether I had any positive coping strategies. I have back up plans. Living in this situation, you learn to have them from an early age. So wherever I have moved, I have always made sure to organise relevant emergency strategies. That is, I know who to turn to if I need help. It is much easier now I am an adult and people believe me as opposed to when I was a child and adults seemed fearful of my dad and his reputation.

A few of the neighbours know my situation and have offered me an open invitation to their homes as my first port of call if I am ever desperate. I am fortunate also to have friends locally and further away who I can call at any time and they will immediately come to support me .

It makes me sad though to think that I had to organise such plans. Now, I would walk out of the door with only my dogs. My Mum on the other hand, always had a small suitcase packed with necessary clothes and a few sentimental valuables. I never realised that until I was in my twenties and was re-organising her wardrobe one day. I picked up a suitcase and opened it. I was surprised to find clothes, photos of her birth family and photos of me. I asked why she had it and she explained it was her escape suitcase. She said she had always kept one since the day she got married to my father. I was shocked as my flight plans always involve me just taking off without anything clothes wise, etc. Just as I did as a young child.

I wondered how often she had thought about picking up her suitcase and escaping. And what her reasons for staying were. I know she would never have left me; she had told me so many times even when I begged her to leave for her own safety.

There is one thing that we have both always done, and that is keep an emergency cache of cash. My husband could never understand why I needed to still do that. I can imagine it must sound strange if you have never had the fear of abuse reigning down on you. I tried to explain it but I do not think he has ever fully 'got it' but at least now he realises that I always have to have some cash hidden away. Just in case.

I actually found my Mum's stash of cash about a year after she had passed. She had always said it was there for me too if I ever needed it. We did at the time. So she unknowingly paid for some bills for us. She would have been pleased to help us.

If you told my dad that my Mum and I had escape strategies, I bet he would be absolutely flabbergasted. He has no idea of the torment he has put us both through. Talking of which, I heard him giving his carer what for this morning. I am sure she let it all wash right over her. She is one of the carers who bosses him about, which is highly amusing to me but really gets his goat.

Aha, now I know how I am going to cope while my husband is away - with laughter. While I will try and remember to do that, I know it will be very difficult at times. Fortunately I am one of those people who sees the funny side of things, even when no one else does! If you could see me giggling away to myself right now, you would know I will be okay. I have survived 56 years with this monster in my life so I can definitely get through a couple of weeks.