You know what I hate?

Not just a pet hate but a real true hate. I hate it when I am absolutely shattered as I have had very little sleep and all I want to do is get him safely into his bed so I can come upstairs, switch off and get some rest. But of course it could never be that easy with him, could it? There always has to be drama of some kind. Every interaction I have with him, seems like there is something wrong that is frustrating or angering him. I hardly ever come away from being in his presence thinking 'well that went well'.

So I am worn-out tonight. I desperately need sleep. He had other plans unbeknown to me. Firstly, he stayed up an hour later to watch something on TV but did not tell me. I would have tried to have had a nap while waiting for him if I had known that was what he was going to do. Never mind, I would never expect him to think of anyone else but himself anyway.

Eventually, once he had got himself undressed and changed ready for bed, he called me to come and help him. He needed me to attach his large catheter night bag to his smaller day bag. I did that easily, checked it was working properly and then asked him if he needed clean clothes for the morning. We managed to sort that out quietly and the thought crossed my mind - thank goodness we're having a calm, quiet interaction as I am so tired, I cannot be doing with his nonsense tonight.

The next second he exploded out of the blue, snarling at me with his twisted mouth and piercing eyes. He could not find the throat lozenges. (I try to have everything he may need during the night, laid out for him on his bedside table so he does not need to call me and wake me to fetch stuff like paracetamol or lozenges in the middle of the night.) I was surprised as I had just noticed the lozenges right there. I looked again and there they were staring him in the face. I then made the mistake of looking at him and caught a glimpse of his monstrous out of control face. Nooooo please no, I did not need to see that just before I went to sleep.

I turned and walked out of the door muttering a rushed 'goodnight, sleep well' on my way out. He responded similarly. I had to get away from him quickly. The tears had started gently streaming out of my sore, weary eyes. I had been triggered. Some distant childhood memory of that raging face had caused my body and mind to think I was back there at that time in the past. And that I was in immediate danger.

I shakily sped upstairs, flopped on my bed and sobbed my heart out. I could not stop crying. When I at last managed to take a deep breath, I knew I needed to deal with all this emotion before I could go to sleep. The best way to help myself in moments like that, is to listen to a meditation called 'feeling triggered*'. It helps me every time. It helps to calm me down and most importantly it helps me to understand that 'I am here now, not there then'.

I realised I was not in danger tonight apart from being shouted at and being dragged into his made up drama about stupid throat lozenges but my body had thought I may be in danger. Once I had calmed down a bit, I started thinking about writing this blog post now before I go to sleep so I can get it all out of me. I also wondered why his face had caused me such distress. And then I remembered. So many of my bed times as a child had been times of great distress and despair as he had caught up with me and hit me so hard I would cry myself to sleep. The lasting image I would have before I closed my eyes to await my punishment was his scary angrily twisted face.

What a way for a young child to live.

That is why I was triggered tonight. All I wanted was my warm bed and hopefully peaceful sleep but now I am left with the image of his snarling face plastered on my mind. I want it gone. I wish to go to sleep thinking of something happy, kind and caring.

Fortunately, as I sit here, I have got a dog either side of me snuggling up to me keeping me safe. Yes, I am safe here now so I have no need to worry.

Now all I need is a good night's sleep.

*'Feeling triggered' - a meditation on the Simple habit app.