Eina!*

I have discovered through the years that my back is really sensitive. I do have a congenital hip disorder that affects my back but there is also something else that cannot be seen or medically diagnosed. There have been numerous back-related incidents that have shocked me and those involved.

Years ago, I was in a toy store with my family and one of them playfully threw a cuddly toy at my back. I was unaware it was coming as my back was turned. It felt like it hit my back with such a force, I just crumpled into a tearful heap. The family were horrified. That definitely had not been the reaction they were expecting. I could not stop crying. So bemused, they quickly ushered me out of the shop. It took me a while to calm down. I could not explain my reaction. I was just as confused as they were.

Another incident came years later. I was having qigong sessions and the practitioner offered to massage my back. I agreed as I thought it may be relaxing. She seemed to take a while to start; it was probably only a few seconds but to me it felt like an eternity as I was face down. I waited with bated breath. Suddenly the first blow came causing such pain I felt like I was going to faint. It felt like she was doing a harsh speedy karate chopping motion with both of her hands along the length of my spine. Unbeknown to her, as soon as that first blow struck, my brain had told me I was in severe danger and I needed to fight back or flee. Fortunately for her, my logical brain had immediately taken charge and reminded me where I was, who I was with and what she was doing. That is, she was trying to help me.

So instead of me jumping up and punching her which had been my initial thought, I took a huge breath and breathed into the pain through my floods of silent tears. As I write this, I realise that is a mirror image of what I did as a child when my dad hit me. The tears were silent as I had learnt if I sobbed noisily, the intensity of the force of his strikes would increase tenfold.

Back to qigong, she completed the back massage and the session whilst not noticing my tear-stained face. I surprisingly returned the following week and as always, we had a check in to see how I was after the previous session. I was honest and told her what had happened. She was so shocked as she had noticed my initial body flinch but had had no idea of the emotions that had surfaced in me. I asked her what action she had actually used. She showed me a very gentle pummelling motion with her fists and I believed her. But what I had felt was a hundred times worse.

I have always found acupuncture relaxing and believe it to be healing. So with that in mind, I decided to buy an acupressure mat. (If you are not sure what it is, think of a bed of nails.) I suppose I was searching for something that would ease the daily pain in my lower back.

The first time I lay on my new mat, the tears started streaming out of my eyes. I could not believe what was happening. Yes, I recognised the pain in my lower back had intensified as I lay down but I was okay. I could get up and the pain would ease. I had a choice. I tried again the next day. Same thing happened - tears and searing pain. What was going on?

Then it struck me. Memories flooded back of a similar pain that also resulted in silent tears. Silent tears from a frail young girl who was lying on her stomach while an angry shouty man hovered over her using all his strength to hit her with such force that her skin cracked resulting in open wounds. That was it. The pain caused by lying on the mat was exactly like the pain caused by my dad's inflictions towards me when I was younger.

Similar to the energy from the downward stroke of a hammer hitting a nail, I believe that all that haphazard, frenzied energy that my dad forced into my body as he hit me when I was younger is still stuck within my body.

I wish to set that energy free. I do not want it inside me any longer. I want to be rid of it. I wondered if this mat could enable the energy release I hoped for. I decided to try. I knew it would be very difficult and that buckets of tears would be shed but it may just result in a much needed outcome.

I understand things best by seeing them in picture form so my imagination has created an image of thousands of miniature lockers filled with the frenetic, chaotic energy from each strike he has ever inflicted on me. These lockers sit on spirals and as one locker is unlocked and the energy is released, it falls into the oblivion and the next locker moves into its place to await its unlocking. At the time, all his 'bad' energy entered my body so rapidly and haphazardly but now it is released slowly and precisely out of my body and into the ether. Silent tears stream as I lie down on the mat but loud tsunamis crash and thrash about as each locker unlocks.

I have now learnt how I can cause a greater release of this stuck energy. Lying flat on my back, when I am ready, I lift up one leg with bended knee towards my chest . The pain then surges back down towards my lower back. I bring up the second knee and hold both knees together near my chest. If I feel like it, I will sometimes move my legs in a very slow circular motion. This pushes my lower back into the mat and although extremely painful, I can feel the release. That is what I want to achieve.

I then turn over and lie on my stomach for a while. That relaxes me deeply and I feel like I am floating away in the darkness on a safe, gentle wave in a calm ocean. I finish my mat session by once again lying on my back for about ten minutes just in case any of that bad energy needs a little more help to be set free.

I always give my body the attention and care it deserves at these times. I listen to it. Some days, I just want to lie on the mat and relax. At other times, I feel the need to release more of that pain and suffering. Whatever I do on a given day when using this mat, by the time I finish and get up, my heart beat has slowed down and the pain in my back has subsided. Most importantly I feel a little healing has occurred. That makes me happy.

[*Eina: Afrikaans word that means 'ouch'. Pronounced 'ai-na' (like 'rain).]