A semblance of normality

We fetched him from hospital this morning. His nurses today all told me how amazing he is and how lovely it was to care for him. I thought 'well, he's pulled the wool over their eyes'. Those nurses seemed oblivious to his true nature.

A few of the nurses during his stay have obviously seen a different side of him. His charming mask slipped. I have had a few tell me about his reaction to unavoidable issues with his treatment plan and they were visibly distressed too. I saw myself in their distress. I know it so well. He has the ability to cut you down no matter how strong your defences are.

He has had a rollercoaster ride of procedures during his three week stay and things have not always gone to plan. I knew he would have to take it out on someone. If he had been at home, it would have been me but in hospital these nurses had been on the receiving end.

I know it was his frustration because he had no control over the situation and he needed to release those emotions. I spoke to him about his actions and explained it was not his nurses' fault. He needed to respect them as they were trying to do their job and he was making it very difficult for them. Sometimes he just needs to be told as he has no empathy for others, he only thinks of himself. He apologised to them and this time, it seemed genuine. I sincerely hoped it was. [His apologies and gratitude hold no weight with me but more of that another time.] They accepted his apology and seemed genuinely relieved.

I have always held hospital staff in high regard for the job they do but it also made me realise how difficult it must be for nursing staff especially to deal with certain patients especially if they are triggered by the patient's demeanour or words. I have spoken to a friend who is an A & E doctor about play therapists needing to have clinical supervision and he thought that would be really helpful for him and his staff too. There is a definite demand and need in many jobs for an outlet of expression with a relevant qualified professional. Unfortunately, it does not seem to be a priority for employers.

I digress. The semblance of my normality occurred within an hour of his return home. I had made sure he was comfortable and gave him a cup of tea and then left him to watch TV while I got on with the housework. Within minutes , he was shouting demands. I surprised myself by refusing to be at his beck and call.

Instead, I had a lightbulb moment. I stopped what I was doing and stood there thinking 'oh my goodness, he has gone straight back to his usual ways. He must be feeling better.' But the thought flashed through my mind that what he does and how I usually react are learned responses. And it is a vicious cycle. He shouted demands at my Mum and me, we jumped into action to fulfil his demands so he thought 'that works' and continued and so did we.

That is now about to stop. I will do things in my own way and in my own time for him. He can wait. I am not his slave.

Yes I know, everybody - all the therapists, friends and colleagues have told me to do this and indeed I have passed this information on to my own therapy clients at times. But I had to learn and comprehend this for myself and in my own time.

Seeds can be sown by others but the growth has to come from within the seed.