A shift.

We went away for a much-needed rest last weekend. I had chosen a scenic, tranquil place up North that encompasses the water and vast spaces I require for rejuvenation and emotional repair. I had originally planned lots of walks around the lakeland area but was concerned about my husband as he was just getting over the 'lergy'. So we decided to have a walking/driving weekend instead. I was okay with that, I would still enjoy seeing the mountains and the lakes.

Our home from home turned out to be right on the main road. Hence, a lot of traffic movement although the noise was minimal. We had stunning views of the fells from our windows but the constant movement of traffic did stir up the peace of the moment. We also had a huge river facing our home. One which had flooded a few years ago and caused untold damage. I love rivers and oceans but I am also aware of the damage they can cause.

I had two thoughts. Firstly, I had chosen our accommodation as I liked the look of the olde worlde style of the building. It was lovely and the hosts were so hospitable. We would definitely recommend it. But its position stirred something in me. I knew it was on a road when I booked it, it is not like I was unaware. I wondered why the aesthetics had been at the forefront of my mind rather than the stillness and calm towards which I usually veer.

You may be thinking oi oi oi, she is really overthinking this. You may be right but I do feel things happen for a reason and all the motion that enveloped me this weekend has, I think caused a shift in my mind. Sometimes we have mental blockages that cause us to be stuck in a sort of time warp regarding certain issues in our lives. [This happens with physiological blockages too that need to be shifted.]

I have returned home unwillingly as I would still rather be in the peace and serenity of the Lakes. But my dogs immediately snuggled up to me with their unconditional love and there was a beautiful heartfelt birthday card waiting for me from my Aunty, my Mum's sister and my Uncle that really warmed my heart.

When I walked into the lounge, there was an old man lying on his sofa. He seemed to be morphing into a caricature of himself with a beard and more prominent features. I felt nothing seeing him there. I think, no, I know these times away from him help me tremendously as they literally and figuratively develop the distance between him and me. When I am around him 24-7, I get pulled into his turbulent orbit and that will never be a positive experience. I feel all my energy being sucked out of me and it seems that I am being dragged down, down, down into the darkness of his soul.

I know that is not my place. I need to stay within my own space and boundaries but the pull of his degenerative field is at times much stronger than my resistance.

So each time I am away from him, my resistance recharges somewhat, it grows and strengthens and I can then draw on that to stave off all of his negativity.

All the therapists with whom I have worked and close friends have told me that I need to get away from him. That to me always felt like I would be running away from the situation and my Mum had always told me I was strong like a fortress and I could manage any situation.

Unfortunately my dad is not a problem to be solved or even one to deal with. I have purposefully not delved into many therapeutic or psychological terms in this blog but my dad as I am sure you are well aware by now has serious issues. He was the one who needed therapy but would never admit to it. In fact, he pooh-poohed any such notions. The only person who should counsel you I was told, would be a minister of the church. Obviously as he is one himself, he was his congregation's 'counsellor' and in turn considered his God to be his counsellor through prayer.

Apologies but I feel like vomiting writing those words. That brings up so much stuff for me. For example, his congregation hanging on to every word he said and him knowing the greater his showmanship and performance the more they would believe. Bleurghhhh.

Enough. I am being dragged down into his abyss again.

So, back to the Lakes - movement is helpful, it has caused a shift. Even for me to just notice now that I was being drawn back into his stuff, is huge for me. I may have noticed it at other times but the pull has been too strong and I have not been able to clamber up and away. I am sure there will be times when I do get dragged back in but as long as there are moments I can steer clear, I will be okay. Yes, I have made choices, one of those being to continue living here when my Mum passed. Therefore I have made a choice to live here with my dad and therefore I have to deal with him.

But breaks away can help my mind shift and keep me sane. I am grateful for all the movement this weekend. It has provided me with a different perspective. Just what I needed after a really difficult, draining month.