Going with the flow.

I have not felt like writing for a while. Not a problem, I suppose I have not had the need to purge my soul of my troubles and let it all go. Two main reasons, methinks. After a very gusty second half of our holiday, all those 'cobwebs' have been blown away and secondly, I have been trying to 'go with the flow'. I mean go with my flow, no-one else's. I have finally learnt to put myself first. Something I was always taught not to do.

I was taught that was so selfish, you should put everyone else first and you should come last. So I did just that - literally and figuratively. Oh, all the times I heard the athletics meeting announcer blasting over the loudspeaker at the school sports' day "and here she comes, last but not least, everyone give her a round of applause as she finally makes it to the finishing line". Wow, there is a whole book about shame in that sentence, is there not?

I have been making choices for myself. I have had a haircut - previous one was early November. I have seen friends. I have left himself to his own devices, within reason. I have hardly had any dealings with him each day. Probably only a morning greeting, providing lunch and a sandwich at suppertime. His carer has made him a flask of tea each day. It has been wonderful!

I have made time for me. That was my aim when I decided to take a year away from work. I seem to need these breaks away from the treadmill of life. I need time and space to recharge and rejuvenate before I can step back on life's travelator. I guess that is a remnant from my childhood trauma.

It is only now, eight months after giving up work, that I am able to make time for me. I am embracing it. Obviously I still have chores that need doing and the recently added pressure of time and space in our home due to a non-dad related issue.

Our friends are preparing to emigrate in a few years and we had offered them a place to stay in our home for the last three months before they left. Long story short, three months has turned into two and a half years. We therefore need to hurriedly have a shift of furniture and space in our home to accommodate them imminently. Whereas I would have been able to slowly and methodically sell my play therapy resources, that all now needs to be placed in storage to make room in our home for their arrival. Storage is a cost we were not expecting so that has been a bit of pressure on us and I do not always cope well with pressure, especially when it is unexpected. But hey ho, life goes on.

I have been researching voluntary roles in the community and one seems promising. So I am looking forward to that. All in all, I am in a much happier place. The sun is shining and Spring is in the air. The trees are in blossom, the crocuses and daffodils are resplendent. Of course I am mindful of the horrific situation in the Ukraine and elsewhere but I am full of gratitude for my life. That is all I can do. Life is so precious.