Back home...

Had a lovely holiday. Rested. Relaxed. New experiences. Old bugbears released (hopefully). And now I am home in my familiar surroundings once again. I had times to switch off and then busier times exploring and sightseeing. A good mix. Of course, my mind being as it is, I had my moments. I was triggered a few times. But it seems that because I was relaxed and at ease, those times were not as huge and overwhelming as other times when I have been stressed out at home.

Yes, I felt uneasy in my body and upset but I was not overwhelmed with emotion as I usually am. It was strange actually. I had put myself in an extremely triggering situation by choosing a certain place to stay. The host clearly stated on his blurb that he was a paramedic and his guests therefore do not need to be frightened if they see him wandering around in his uniform or driving his first responder's car. I noted that and thought that was nice of him to let people know but the thought did not cross my mind that I may be affected by that vision. His place was in such a beautiful location, the choice to stay there was a no-brainer.

Move forward a few days, and I thought I was used to seeing or hearing him in his car drive past our window at all times of the day and night. Suddenly though, a very heavy vehicle drove past our 'home'. It was an ambulance. Phew, deep breath. I had to remind myself it was our host and everything was okay. My body felt differently, every cell in my body was on edge and jangling with nerves. What was going on? I tried to relax and calm down but still felt so uneasy. Hours later, the sound of the very heavy large vehicle trundled down the gravel driveway past our cabin on its way to a patient. Early the next morning, it returned.

My husband noticed that I tried to see what it was in my sleep. I had no idea that I had done that but he said I lifted my head as if to look out of the window. I was fast asleep and yet my mind was working overtime. That day, I was sitting at the dining table when I realised the ambulance was coming down the drive. I looked up and he had the lights flashing already. My heart skipped a few beats and I had to catch my breath again. Another visceral reaction.

I told my husband that I think this paramedic/ambulance situation has triggered me. I could not help it, my body was reacting. At last, I realised what was happening and that awareness really helped me to deal with the situation.

The 'not knowing' or not understanding the nervy edginess inside me was confusing but now at last I realised what was causing it. I could then deal with my anxiety. It was more manageable. I knew I was safe and okay now as opposed to being anxious and distressed then. 'Then' pertaining to the number of times I had to call an ambulance for my Mum which would invariably mean I would travel to the hospital in the back of the ambulance with her while the paramedic was dealing with her. Scary, terrifying times. Often we had the blues and twos on and traffic would be in the way. You could hear the ambulance driver's frustration as time was of the essence. All adding to the stress of the moment.

But now, I was safely ensconced in our warm, cosy and secure home away from home. My husband and I were not in any dangerous life-threatening situation. Obviously, I still could feel empathy for those who were in need but I was okay.

Strange how your mind works, hey? Dredges up stuff you thought was well and truly lost to time. I hope that experience may have helped me a bit. It certainly felt better when I became aware of why I was being triggered. I did not feel like I was in the midst of the frenzied rush of energy around my body. I could detach from it. I could even observe it from a small distance.

Maybe that will help me deal with other stuff that triggers me too. And maybe I specifically chose that place to stay accidentally on purpose? Hoping it will help me let go and move on, even a little bit. It all helps.