Asking for help and receiving more.

This is a BIGGIE for me. I have worked on this a lot in therapy but still it is one of the hardest things for me to do. I have to summon up so much courage to ask for help and then when I do and it is given, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. That often catches people unawares, ha ha. They have just agreed to help me and suddenly my tears start flowing. People are not accustomed to that, they would be less surprised if they had said no to my request and I started crying.

Anyway, to get back to today. I have been neglecting the housework as I have been busy with dad's care but also struggling with my own issues. Housework has never been top of my list so I just leave it well alone. Actually dad used to be very hard on my Mum and I if the house was not spotlessly clean but now he just has a moan every now and again as is his want. I generally manage to ignore those moans.

I knew I needed help so I phoned up a cleaning company and asked for a one off deep clean. I hoped that that may help me keep on top of it all. Usually I would ask an independent cleaner but I just wanted it done and dusted thoroughly in one day. Three wonderful women arrived today to do the job. They are working like a swarm of worker bees. It is amazing. Thank goodness there are people in this world who love cleaning!

I had opened the door and greeted them with 'welcome to our mad house, I will apologise for the state of it before you even start'. They told me not to worry. Now, as I bump into them around the house, they have been sure to tell me that it really is not that bad. They have all said that to me at different times. Hmmm, maybe it is not as bad as I thought? Maybe, I have been pressured to think that it is terrible. I know exactly where that has come from. Once again the harsh words of my dad that have infiltrated my entire being through the years, have risen to the surface.

You are not worthy,

you cannot do anything,

you are rubbish at everything,

you will never be good enough,

blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

But hold on, people are telling me the house is not in that bad a way. These are people who have cleaned many houses and seen a lot of sights. Yes okay, maybe they are being kind as they see I am vulnerable. But maybe not, maybe they are being real. I want to listen to them rather than the voices inside me that come from a certain person who thinks I am worthless.

Maybe that is what he was told as a child? But sadly, he never had any 'real' people tell him otherwise? So he just perpetuated those feelings onto me.

No more.

That must stop now.