But why do you do it?

That's a question I have been asked many a time by friends, therapists and others. I chose to care for my Mum for ten years as she was so special to me and we were each other's Protector. But I have not chosen to care for dad. Hence, being the unwilling carer.

We all live in the same house and I feel I have just landed up doing it. If someone you knew was elderly and struggling would you help them even if you did not particularly like them?

I cannot manage him physically as I am not strong enough. It also seems like my strength vanishes as soon as I have to help him and I wonder if that has to do with all the physical and emotional abuse I have suffered through the years. The physical abuse was up until I was eleven but the emotional abuse continued even after my Mum passed away. I have worked on these issues a lot in therapy. And that has definitely helped. I can now be the fifty something woman that I am and not become the terrified child I once was when he starts his nonsense.

Getting back to why I do it? I do not want to and never have but all the emotional abuse had also filled me with shame so I did not feel worthy of any-one's help. It has taken me years to ask even my closest friends for help. They have often offered to help before I have asked. But through therapy, I now know I am worthy and should not be ashamed. He's the one who should be ashamed.

So I am now asking for help from various healthcare professionals. And you know what happens? If they can, they will! I had a day recently of phoning community nurses, the GP and social services and they were all really helpful. So helpful in fact, I was in tears because I could not believe it.

I was honest and told them I cannot manage and they all tried to do something about it. So although I have a dad who is adamant he is not having any carers coming in the house. He says he has me and apparently he has told his siblings 'she has some muscle on her'. (I am overweight.)

Anyway, he has agreed to the care package assessment interview. That is a huge relief for me. Baby steps.