Call of Duty

I know I said I try and use his hospital stays as a time for my rest and recuperation but that ain't happening. My body is willing but my mind says 'no'. My fitbit tells me I slept for 4hrs 12 min last night. So here I am regurgitating all those whirring, tumbling, frenzied thoughts that kept me awake into words, to release them. I need to be free of them.

Today is the first day since he has been away that I have felt a calmness within. My energy levels are low but I seem to have peace in my heart today. It has taken me a few days away from him to reach this state. I am only away from him in the sense of not seeing him. No visiting on his ward which is a relief for me actually but he is still making his presence felt. He phoned me after his first night to ask for particular books and his glasses. I thought he is obviously bored stiff and tetchy so the nurse has given him the phone so she could have a few minutes peace.

I know the feeling. I duly took them in for him, not the ones he had asked for, heaven knows where they are and I could not find them on my quick search of his extensive library. I chose a few for him instead. Yes, I know, I will receive the backlash about the 'wrong' books when he returns home. That can be expected.

Yesterday was a slightly manic day for me and I got swept up in a tornado of duty and people-pleasing and it was sheer madness. I was absolutely exhausted by the evening; probably overtired and that is why sleep eluded me.

I am thinking more clearly this morning but yesterday had started off bumpily and just careered out of control. I had tried phoning the ward to get an update on dad but that had taken a lot of time and effort. I know they are busy but can I please just have two minutes of your time, Sister? I then felt the need to phone my dad's siblings to update them on his progress. I phoned my aunt, his sister and had a helpful conversation with her. She was supportive of me and was relieved he was still in hospital for my rest and his care.

Then I phoned my uncle, his brother and got my aunt on the phone. I gave her the update and she stated that really it was not an update but she would pass the message on. She also offloaded all the stuff that her and my uncle had been unhappy about when they came to visit my dad last week. I took her manner and words to heart and it hurt. There I am trying so hard to care for him; a thankless task. She knocked me down when I tried explaining that he will not listen to me or the district nurses or anyone, he will do as he pleases as he has always done. The problem is, they do not know the real person. He has always worn his mask well in front of his family. I can understand it must be difficult for them to see him like that but they are welcome to take on his care if they so wish. I will gladly hand over the reins. But of course, that would never happen.

As if I had not had enough of family, I also decided to to check up on my Mum's sister and her husband. My uncle has been through the wars recently. I left a message. He phoned back later to say they had been at hospital with my aunt, as she was struggling with terrible headaches. This phone call had me in tears for various reasons. My aunt is deaf so I cannot speak to her on the phone, although at times, she does come on to orate a monologue of her cats' latest escapades. Last night I could only hear her in the background. She and my Mum both have a very distinct accent that has stayed even though they both moved to the U.K. While I am listening to my aunt, l always hear my Mum talking. That makes me both happy and sad and the tears flow every time.

Another reason I get upset is that unbelievably both sisters married the same type of man. What is that all about? Their male role models were my Grandad, Mum's Dad and their brother, my uncle who were both the sweetest, kindest, most gentle and loving humans. So why did they choose or get taken in by such men for their husbands?

On the phone, I can hear my uncle treating my lovely aunt the same way my dad treated my Mum and me for all those years. That is so hard to listen to and it makes me really sad. Fortunately as I said my aunt is deaf so she just ignores him but surely she notices that mean face belittling her all the time.

Their daughter has almost severed ties with her parents and is leading her own life away from them. But here I am, making sure they are okay. The tale of two cousins, hey. We are very different people, she is more like her dad and I am more like my Mum.

Through therapy and also with age, I am realising what is really important in life. But why has it taken me this long? I was brought up as my parents were, to be dutiful but I think a change is needed for my sanity. Duty is for soldiers and royalty, of which I am neither.