Catch up

So what's been happening? Well, we have continued as per usual with him having times of frustration about carers and not wanting or needing them. I have continued to try and explain how helpful they are to him and me, with little mention of the real reason I need them and how he wears me out physically and emotionally. I do not want him to have that power over me any more. To be honest, he is so much stronger and healthier than when he went into hospital this last time, the pacemaker must be working wonders. He is managing to prove daily that he can do things himself and does not need help.

It is a double edged sword for him though, if he does not need a carer's help that obviously means he does not need my help either. I think he is aware of that so he still has a few digs at me, just to keep me in my place, especially when the carers are here. Up until a few years ago that would have caused me so much shame, I would have wanted the floor to open up and swallow me, but no longer. I have worked so hard on shame during my personal therapy and in everyday life, that I am not going to let it envelop me now as it has done for so many years.

And in fact, when he has a dig at me in front of people now, I just think that they are thinking what a d*ck he is. The other morning, the carer asked what he has for breakfast. I told her while he was sitting there eating it. Bran flakes, a few raisins and powdered skimmed milk. He retorted, 'powdered milk? You give me powdered milk each morning?' I replied, that he knows that. He has only drunk powdered milk for the past 50 years! The carer thought that was funny and dad shut up. I just thought why do that? He was trying to make me feel stupid and yet he looked really stupid instead.

I asked him later in front of my husband, why he had said that to me. I asked if he really did not know that he had powdered milk. He said, 'oh, he knew that'. Aaargh.

I know that some things I mention about him seem so trivial and some of you may wonder why I even talk about them. The thing is, when you have been emotionally abused for so many years, small things become big issues. I am trying to get over that but it will take time.

Powdered milk was that day's big issue, another day will be a mark on the floor, sometimes it will be the pasta is the wrong shape, or the squirrels keep eating the bird's food. The regular one these days is the TV is broken. He presses the wrong button and causes the problem but refuses to listen to us telling him that. How dare we think he could be the problem but he is. Some issues, I can deal with, other issues are completely out of my control.

These 'issues', whether minimal or major, used to be presented by him loudly shouting in a hugely aggressive manner accompanied by his twisted mouth and face full of rage. My Mum and I would jump into action to appease him. After a lot of therapy, nah, that is not going to happen any more. My heart still jumps when I first hear him ranting but then I take a deep breath and stop myself rushing to him. I go in my own time.

I think he is finding it very difficult to let go of that power and hold he had over me but his energy levels are lower and weaker now so they are needed for his life force instead. I do think as I have become stronger in my reaction to him, he has got weaker overall. What is that saying about 'sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me'. I disagree, words can be so damaging too but I try to quietly filter his words out these days so they do not harm me as much as they did. I do not want him to hurt me any more. He has hurt me enough throughout the years, and in so many different ways. I deserve to be safe now. That is up to me.