Change of heart?

I have touched on this subject previously and it has been on my mind a lot lately. My father has always seemed to have a disregard and disrespect for women. The women closest to him have been treated like shit on his shoe and the others, not much better really. Although his charming mask and demeanour have mostly pulled the wool over their eyes, my Mum and I could always see straight through it.

He used women for his own purposes and if they could not help him or did not try, he would stab them in their figurative backs. He has always absolutely detested women in power, especially those with what he perceived to be 'power' over him. For example, women ministers. My Mum and I knew that if he went to church and a women minister was preaching, he would come home spitting feathers.

If we tried to speak up for them, his anger would swiftly turn our way. And yet, we still did it. We would take the flak for those who had no idea they were even in the firing line.

We felt that it was okay for us to have to deal with his bitterness and rage but not them. I wonder how many others would have done the same?

Now, he has women caring for him, aiding him with the most personal of tasks. They do it willingly with kindness and sincerity as that is their vocation. He would be unable to carry out these tasks on his own now. So he needs them. He really needs them. I wonder how that makes him feel.

He often says he feels useless as he cannot do anything for himself these days. Although the strong fight to remain independent is within, he no longer has the wherewithal to sustain this independence.

As they depart each morning after their hour of care, he proffers his thanks. I think he is being honourable and genuine with his words as do they. But I will never know for sure.

[Perhaps that derives from my thoughts of his being disingenuous with any gratitude that comes my way. I disregard it as I feel no words can make up for all the hurt he has caused me. Yes, I know many of you will think that is my 'stuff' and I need to process it and let it go. But it all depends on how I am feeling that day.]