Contrary Mary

Feel like I have been given the best early Christmas present ever. He has agreed to a carer coming in each morning to help him with washing and dressing. Such a relief for me. But my happiness quashed any anxiety I had about it. So I forgot that obviously there would be a backlash aimed at me for wanting this care package. As I have stated before, he does not understand why I cannot care for him. As he says, I have some muscle on me.

Background to this is for many a year he has awoken at 8am but in the past few months, 9am has been his getting up time. This may have been as he was feeling quite poorly and weak. The carer has been booked for 9am. He agreed to that as late as yesterday when the nurse and care co-ordinator were here.

So what happens this morning? I check on him at 7am and 7:45am, he is still asleep. My husband leaves the house soon after that and a minute later, dad calls my name. I go in to his room and greet him and ask how he is. He is tetchy and wants to get up. I tell him he does not have long to wait for the carer. He replies that he wants to get up immediately. So I ask if he needs the toilet, he says no but he just wants to get up. He does not want to wait so long for the carer to come.

I thought 'here we go', I should have expected something like this to occur. I was busy cooking as I knew it was going to be a hectic morning with various healthcare professionals coming to check his wounds and assess his needs. So I was preparing a simple one pot chicken stew that would be ready to eat once the house was empty of visitors. I explained I would bring him his tea and his first tablet of the day. I decided to draw the time out as long as I could so I returned to my cooking. I then went to the bathroom and had a tidy up upstairs. When I came downstairs again about 10 minutes later, he had removed the duvet and was trying to get out of bed. Once again, he was scowling and spitting about wanting to get up and not wait for the carer. I told him the carer was going to sort out his catheter, that I am not doing it as I am busy cooking. He huffed and puffed but lay down pulling the duvet back over himself.

Was it anxiety about someone new coming in to see him? I think not. He has always been fine with strangers. That has never bothered him. No, this scenario was to make me feel bad and even guilty as I was putting him out and not helping him myself. Maybe even up to a few months ago, that is exactly how I would have felt because that is exactly how he has made me feel all my life. But no longer. I saw his strop for what it was, just a strop. That is his stuff, not mine. I am no longer going to get drawn into his drama. I have had enough.

I say that now and I mean it but I also know how hard it is to be tough and push his stuff back at him. Some days like today, I could do it quite easily but I know there will be lots of other times when I am feeling more fragile and I could quite easily be drawn back into his histrionics. It will take time, energy, guts and perseverance.

[I want to take the time now to also thank you the reader for your support and encouragement. It helps me so much to know I am not all alone in this. That is huge for me.]

I silently gave him his tea and tablet and walked out. I walked straight through the kitchen and out of the back door into the back garden. That is my haven of peace and calm. The sky up above gives me the space I need to breathe deeply and breathe out all his toxicity. The birds singing in the trees bring me happiness and the plants show me resilience. I escape there whenever I feel overwhelmed and need air. Whatever the weather, being there fills me with enough energy to get through the moment.

That is what I did as a little girl and I still do it today. My Mum taught me the importance of the outdoors and it has stuck with me always. She used it to escape when she needed to as a child too.

The carer arrived fifteen minutes early. I was so relieved. But then I found myself explaining his agitation and apologising in advance for any unbecoming irritable behaviour towards her, this stranger I had just met. I wondered what I was doing and why I felt the need to do that. She was calm and was not perturbed at all. She met him and helped him do what he needed to do. He had a few moments of not being able to find something he needed and I heard him say he needs to call me and ask me to find it. She very firmly told him that they would find it and if not, they could ask me later. He tried again wanting to call me and once again she put her foot down. He listened to her that time. Oh my goodness, I really must listen and learn!