Decisions decisions

"When all you know is the darkest side of human nature, you start to find the darkness in yourself. And that's a scary thing."*

This is a quote from a book I am reading at present. The line struck a chord. It is the main reason why I have decided not to continue working as a play therapist. It was an easy decision but I have kept it to myself for a while. I suppose I wanted to be satisfied that I was making the right decision for me.

Being a play therapist is one of the most rewarding and yet most distressing jobs I have ever done. People would say 'oh, I don't know how you could do that work, I'd be in tears all the time.' I understood their feelings but for me, working with incredible children and being a part of their process as they dealt with their often horrific issues was the best job in the world. How I would have loved to have experienced play therapy as a child. But as I have always said, my parents would not have given their consent as they were desperate to keep our family's secrets secret.

But I started noticing a few years ago, after my beloved Mum's passing, that I was finding it more difficult to focus on the child in front of me and not their back story. I had always been the child's advocate but now I was finding it hard to distance myself from their trauma. Alongside that, I was having personal therapy that opened up a minefield of emotions and distress and it all started dragging me down.

When the first lockdown occurred, I hoped that would give me some time to rest and recharge but alas, it did not have that effect. Instead it brought back other traumatic milestones in my life that I would need to process through personal therapy. So I returned to work feeling even more drained and knackered than I was prior to the pandemic. I tried to continue out of loyalty to the school that employed me and obviously to my clients, but my oomph had dissipated. I had to be sensible, honest and true to my feelings - I did not wish to continue on this career path.

I took some time out as I needed time and space for reflection. That has not gone as planned - does it ever? C'est la vie.

I am looking forward. I have found future workshops and voluntary jobs that interest me. I may try them, I may not. For now, I have other home-related chores on which to focus but my time will come. I know it will. It just seems that I have these periods in life where I need to regroup, recharge, and relax. And that is okay. I know what I am like. I do not judge. I have no shame. These hiatuses are necessary for me.

I'll be back.**

* Quote from Peter May - The Lewis Man (2012)

** Said in my best 'Arnie' voice.