Exhaustion

Browsing through my private personal journal posts, I found this: Physical exhaustion is 'better' than emotional exhaustion. [I mean exhaustion caused by strenuous physical movement or that caused by emotional torment.] When I wrote it, I was not sure if it was true though. I decided to ponder further.

My pondering came to fruition. This was a postscript jotting I had later added to that same post:

The last few weeks have been extremely taxing both mentally and physically so I was not surprised to feel worn out again this morning. Yesterday had been a physically hectic day. I was relieved to feel worn out rather than emotionally drained. But then an encounter occurred that was a major trigger for me. It took me two hours to calm down afterwards. All away from prying eyes obviously.

This encounter replicated the gaslighting my Mum and I continuously received from my dad for years.

The words were uttered by someone trying to be funny. This is just one of many occasions, this person has caused me to feel wounded by cruel words. I need it to stop. I wonder if and how I could do that?

I know, to do that I would need to speak up. I would need to stand up for myself and all those others who are trodden upon by others' callous words and actions. As I have previously stated - some days I can stand tall and straight and voice my thoughts. Other days, I just need to flop into a chair and sob my heart out. Today was one of the latter type of days.

Why does he do it? Why do I seem to be the only one in his firing line? I have not seen him speak to others in that manner. Does he think my authentic vulnerability is something to be afraid of? It feels like he picks on me as he thinks I am weak and mentally unstable. [I have been present when this man and another have openly joked about my mental health on previous occasions. But always talking about me to the others present and not to my face.] So does he think I am like a wounded, hunted animal that he can figuratively damage even more?

I bet you are thinking those words relate to my dad. Unfortunately they do not. There is another male who seemingly communicates with me in a similar fashion. FFS.

Today this man tried to shame me and make me feel like I am the mad one in front of my husband. [I was pleased I had a witness.] In fact, he actually said, during a conversation, "what is that word written on your forehead? Oh I see it now, it says 'insane'".

WTF. 'Cruel; so cruel' was my immediate thought as I immediately turned away from him. I did not want him to see the after effect of his words. The knife metaphorically tore through my heart and my eyes immediately bubbled with tears. If only he had known how often my Mum and I were told we were the mad ones; we were 'insane' whenever we questioned my dad's behaviours. My dad also used to say it with a smile on his face just as this man had done so today. My dad used to laugh at us as he witnessed us, shaking with terror. Oh, the power he had over us. Frightening.

Of course, there is the other side of it. The therapist in me wonders why this man does this - how was he treated as a child? Does he even realise what he is doing now as an adult? I would genuinely recommend therapy. I am not being facetious, I have a genuine concern for him. I know my dad would never have had therapy as he believed his God would lead the way and there was also a real stigma attached to therapy. But that has changed now thank goodness.

Anyway, back to my journal post: 'At the end of that day, I was emotionally drained. Emotionally exhausted.'

My conclusion to my pondering was yes, emotional exhaustion is definitely worse than physical exhaustion. Methinks it is because strenuous physical activity is your choice and you do it to yourself but 'emotional' exhaustion and distress is caused by others.