Expressions (part 1)

My dad has never seemed to understand any of my facial expressions, especially of fear or sadness. He would just ignore them and do what he needed to do to release his own frustration and ire.

There is one exception. It turned out to be the last time he would have hit me. I was eleven, sitting on my bed just minding my own business, colouring in. I loved doing that, that was one of my coping strategies and ways to relax. He hated me colouring in. He said I needed to be more creative. I should use my brain by drawing my own pictures and colouring them in instead. I did that sometimes but he always criticised my artwork and said it was rubbish and would bring me books to show me how to draw properly. I was a child though and as he had told me so many times before that I was useless at drawing, I had begun to believe I was.

Anyway, my door was open. He walked past and said something to me derogatorily about the activity. I quickly retorted. Can't remember what it was but it must have been in my and colouring in's defence. In my mind that was it, I had said my piece.

He reversed back down the passage into my doorway, back into my view. His face was raging, with his horribly contorted twisted mouth and wild eyes. I was absolutely terrified. I was frozen to my bed and could not move a muscle. I think I realised in that moment that he was going to seriously damage me or maybe even kill me. For I had checked him on one of his passing comments and that was a definite no-no. His whole body was tense as he came towards me. He started removing his belt. This time, surely I was not going to survive. I could not speak or move, I was so frightened. Then something happened, there was a shift of energy in the room. I am not sure if it was my facial expression and that he actually noticed how terrified I was, for once. Or maybe it was because I would usually move to defend myself in some way. But I had not moved. I was a frozen terrified young girl rooted to the spot on my bed.

He stopped, he stared, and after a minute of icy silence between the two of us, he started putting his belt back on, turned around and walked out of my bedroom door. I sat frozen for half an hour after that until my body was able to function again and the tears flowed and flowed. That episode was never mentioned, none of them ever were but I knew in my heart that that one was different. Years later, I realised the enormity of that moment.