Expressions (part 2)

So he never understood or 'got' my facial expressions but I definitely knew his and reacted accordingly. As a very young child I learnt how to observe people's expressions and I still do that today. It is a survival mechanism.

I had always wondered how the physical abuse in my childhood had affected me. I was sure it had. I thought my body must have captured those moments in time somehow. His force, his bad energy must have all transferred into my body. Hitting a nail with a hammer has an impact on the nail, just as him hitting me had to have an impact on my body. Personally, I think most of it is carried around in my lower back and derrière region as that was the area of most impact.

As I have previously mentioned, I have worked really hard in therapy to deal with my fear of him. A few years ago, I chose to do therapy outdoors. The surroundings were beautiful. My therapeutic space included a woodland, a canal, a river, a pond and meadows. The birds sang, people walked their dogs and children played. It is a very special place. My therapist is a very special person. I was pleased to have found her and once I had begun to trust her, the therapeutic relationship had developed well.

One day, in absolute desperation, I asked her for ways to deal with my dad. I just needed help. If she could give me a list of things to do, I would be very grateful. Now, therapy does not work like that. And I knew that but I was at the end of my tether. I just could not carry on. My Mum had recently passed and I was struggling.

At the time, we were in the woodland but there was a clearing amongst the trees. There was an area of stinging nettles and an area of ferns. I love ferns. Ferns are my favourite plant. Stinging nettles, not so much. My therapist told me to stand still. She moved about three metres away from me. That was strange, she was always by my side. I looked at her questioningly, she just told me to stay where I was. Obviously, she knew what was coming. I was blissfully unaware.

She said I needed to imagine that he was coming towards me. I asked if he had his twisted mouth. She replied that I had to decide how he looked. He would have the twisted mouth, that always terrified me the most. She asked if I was ready. I wanted to know where he was coming from. She told me to choose. I chose the stinging nettles. I was ready. I had to stand up straight. I had no idea what was going on, it all seemed very weird but I trusted my therapist as she had previously proved she was there for me. So I waited with bated breath.

She said, 'he is coming towards you with his twisted mouth'. Well, quicker than I can type this, I buckled in two. It felt like someone had sucker punched me. The only person around was my therapist and I had trusted her! I looked at her so indignantly. But there she still was, three metres from me. I looked around, there was no-one else. What the hell had just happened? I was still doubled over, I could not stand up as the 'punch' in my lower abdomen had been so powerful.

She gently got me to explain what had happened to me and how it felt. As I spoke to her, the uncomfortable pain in my gut eased and I could stand up straighter again. I could not believe what had just happened. I kept asking her to explain.

She told me to come with her. We moved under a huge old oak tree. Its trunk was wide, its roots bobbled through the ground we stood on, its branches and leaves stretched far out above us. It was enormous. It was also one of the strongest and most powerful elements of that woodland. She asked me to stand firm. I was still a bit wobbly from before. She told me to see and take in the strength and power of this great oak tree. I stood there in wonder of this beautiful tree, and took it all in as my eyes reached through the branches to the sky. After a while, she said, 'Good, you are stronger now. It seems like your boots are rooted and your body is tall and strong.'

She asked me to return to the clearing but I was fearful. She persuaded me it would not be that bad. Hmm, should I believe her? I was still in a state of shock even though the oak tree's presence had helped to calm me. Once I was still and strong and facing those stinging nettles again, she uttered the same words: 'He is coming towards you with his twisted mouth.' As quick as a flash, I buckled again but this time the sucker punch had been fleeting and I was only half doubled over. I quizzically looked her way, knowing full well that she would still be a distance away from me. She gently asked how I had felt that time. The gut punch had not been so vicious this time. The oak tree had worked it's magic. I now had an inner strength.

So after that I knew how to deal with him. Sometimes I would need a dose of strength from something or someone but other times I would be capable of managing on my own. My therapist recommended that I gain strength from a tree I could see outside my window as I love trees. I still do that to this day. I came away from that session in awe of the power of therapy. As a play therapist I often see how therapy works on clients but prior to this session, I had never experienced that wonder myself.

By the by, his twisted mouth would never have the same effect on me. I still shudder when I see it but I am able to stand strong and cope.