I'm learning.

Just reflecting on the past eighteen months as my father's unwilling carer. The positive changes I have made have been vital for my wellbeing. It may have happened slowly but every step has been so helpful.

Eighteen months ago, each day was a major struggle for me. And I was buckling under the pressure - mentally and physically. I could not see any chance of my life changing for the better.

My practical tasks then ...

Morning: empty his catheter night bag, struggle physically to help him out of bed, keep an eye on him as he toddled off to the bathroom without any walking aid and then be on hand in case he required assistance especially getting dressed. After that it would be time to make his breakfast and ensure he had his medicines, watch, spectacles, alarm bell and two litres of water beside him in readiness for the day ahead.

Mid-morning: tea.

Lunch: make his meal, take it to him.

Afternoon: tea and snack.

Supper: sandwich and tea.

Empty his catheter leg bag a number of times during the day.

Bedtime: dispense his evening medicines, help him get undressed, organise his catheter night bag and help him get into bed. Then desperately hope he would not call or need help during the night.

My practical tasks now...

Lunch: make his meal, take it to him.

Afternoon: teatime and snack.

Supper: sandwich.

Empty his catheter leg bag a couple of times during the day.

I am so grateful for my husband's help as he does the evening shift dealing with my father when he returns home from work. I also really appreciate my father's carers. They do their work so professionally with a smile and a positive busy-ness each morning. They have all given me a much-needed boost. As long as I have to deal with him, I will always struggle but at least now the weight of my situation has lifted substantially.

What did I need to do? All I had to do was ask for help. That was a huge thing for me to do as most of you know but I knew I could not manage any longer. Eighteen months ago, I phoned the district nurses and they directed me to Social services. When a social worker answered the phone, I burst into tears and through the medium of verbal diarrhoea offloaded my concerns. I was distraught, ashamed and felt so vulnerable but much to my surprise, they listened to me with kindness and offered to help. I was overwhelmed by their response. They understood.

That small step started the ball rolling, so to speak, and that is why I now have more help with him. Obviously, it also took a lot of work and therapy process on my part to get to this stage where I can now look forward with my head held high.

NB: If you are struggling in any way, please ask for help or talk to someone about it. It works.

PS I know the tasks do not seem a lot really but every time I have contact with my father is so draining for me. My whole body seems to be in a flight mode and cannot wait to escape. I just hate being in his presence. It is not good for my soul.