When the carer realises...

the sweet old man she helps every day is not as kind and polite as he makes out.

When I first met his present carer, I alluded to the fact that him and I have a difficult relationship. Well, let me be honest - I loathe him but I treat him as I would treat any other human being - with respect and care. He, on the other hand, I would say has no problem with me. I do not think he can understand why I always look so serious and sullen when I am near him and yet with everyone else, I am friendly and relaxed. I find him staring hard at me when others are present and I wonder what he thinks as he has never said anything about it. I do not do it on purpose, I just refuse to waste any of my soulful energy on him any longer. I will help him if he needs it but I feel he tried so hard to destroy my soul, he does not deserve any of it now.

Anyway, the carer asked what I meant and I told her he was physically and emotionally abusive when I was a child. [I refrained from mentioning the psychological abuse has continued to this day. I think I was scared of putting her off working with him. I was desperate to find him a carer so I would not have to be responsible for his morning care any longer as it was destroying me.] She questioned whether he would be like that with her or her staff and I reassured her that he would be fine with them. In fact he would be overly courteous and kind. I meant that as I know him so well and that is how he behaves with others.

As time passed, the carer had apparently noticed the difficult interactions between him and me but she kept her thoughts to herself. Sometimes she would ask him questions about me just to pass the time or change the subject from it always being about him. She found out he was not at my wedding, for example. That really surprised her. Then one day she was helping him clear out some of his 'stuff'. She found a large framed photo of him smiling in his 'dog collar' (church minister's garb) holding a little baby who was wearing a christening gown. She asked him if it was me. He said that it was not. Once again, she was shocked. She could not understand why he had a framed photograph of a baby that was not his. He said that there are no photos of me as a baby. As she was so puzzled, she later asked me if it was me in the photograph. I had a look and realised that the baby had different shaped eyes to me so I said no it was not. She seemed horrified.

She also noticed that he only has framed photos in his lounge of his parents and a few of himself. None of my Mum nor I. This added to her concerns about him. She started asking him more questions and each answer added to her unease. I realised she was becoming more concerned about my wellbeing as she started to understand more about the type of father he was/is.

I have opened up to her more now too. I was worried she would not want to continue with his care but she is a dedicated carer and is able to compartmentalise the situation. Thank goodness.

PS This was a really difficult one for me to write. I guess, well I know, that shame is a go-to reaction for me. For example, when strangers discover my situation and feel sorry for me, it causes me shame - like it is my fault that my father treats me this way. I am constantly working on it but shame is still usually my immediate first reaction.