It has to always be all about him.

This is how it always has been. Others' attention has always had to focus on dad wherever we were. If it wasn't, my Mum and I knew that we would experience his wrath afterwards. That was always terrifying to me.

It is still happening. Yesterday my aunt and uncle came to visit him. Due to the Covid-19 situation, we have not seen them face to face for almost two years. Sadly, there has been a lot of bereavement in the family recently and we got on to the subject of assisted dying. My aunt was unsure about any assistance being given at that time and asked what I thought. Now I know this is a complex subject but I immediately thought about my Mum's last few hours before she passed.

[Going off on a slight tangent here but still relevant methinks.]

The consultant had taken me into the family room to explain the situation and I had to make some very serious choices on my own. She asked what my Mum and we as the family needed at that time. I was taken aback because I never thought we would have an opportunity like that so I asked for three things if possible:

1. Could my Mum be placed in a quieter part of the ward as we are a relatively quiet family and would all like a time of calm, peaceful reflection.

2. As my Mum had a very deep Christian faith; could a person of any religious faith please come and pray with her. She would not have minded who it was as she was open and interested to all religions.

3. Could they please administer drugs that would give her a peaceful death. I did not need to know what they were but I was adamant they did so as my Mum had had a very difficult life and had to fight her way through so many horrendous life experiences. So I did not want her to have to fight any more. She was still in fighting mode even as weak as she was - she had a neck collar due to her fall and she was still trying to remove it.

The consultant agreed to all my wishes but said ethically they could not stop the antibiotics they needed to give her. I understood and appreciated all her help at such a difficult time.

To be honest, I was gobsmacked at myself for managing to come up with three such clear wishes. Then again, I had spent a lot of time with my Mum in hospitals over the years and I had obviously been made aware of incidents that I had thought I would like done differently if it were my family.

Getting back to my aunt asking me about assisted dying... I explained about the consultant and the medicines to help my Mum have a peaceful death. My aunt and uncle were very interested in what I was saying but that conversation was abruptly halted by a flash of irritation from dad who suddenly blurted out that he wanted to show them some photos as he shakily got up from his seat. Obviously everyone's attention was straight back on him as he had wished.

You may think, maybe he did not like the subject matter or maybe he is not completely 'with it' these days. Neither of those are true. He is still fully compos mentis. He just did not like the attention off of him and on me.

I knew that I would 'get it' once his family had left as I had dared to take his limelight even if it was unintentional. I had just been so happy to see my aunt and uncle and have a very real chat with them once again.

He made me wait though, until he was getting ready for bed. Then I got the full force of his now much more frail, weakened wrath. He could not find his bedtime medicines as I must have moved them. I had not. He got a cold draught from the back door being opened. It was closed. This continued and each time I refuted it as it was not true.

Years back I would have cowered away from him and not replied but no longer. I have had enough of his bullshit and now I feel much stronger dealing with him emotionally. Obviously, it still gets to me though and that is why I am writing this blog. I need to release my thoughts and emotions instead of harbouring them. He has chiselled away at my inner strength for far too long. I will not allow that to happen any more.