Just something I do.

Throughout my life, every now and again, I wake up in the early hours of the morning and I am so lucid, I could write a Maths exam. (I think of Maths as I was good at it and enjoyed it too.) I am so wide awake, it is like someone has switched on a lightbulb in my mind. I always feel the need to get up and move. I do not know why this happens, there is no pattern or reason for it. It is not as if I have a nightmare and then wake up with a fright or something wakes me; I just wake up. I try to go back to sleep but there is no chance of that happening. So I get up and move. Obviously I am acutely aware of the other members of the household so I try and creep around like a mouse. They may disagree.

The energy force is strong so when I lived alone in my one bedroomed flat, I would clean the flat from top to bottom. In this house, before dad had moved downstairs, I would clean the kitchen and tidy up downstairs. This energy buzz lasts for about two hours and then depending on how I am feeling and what the time is, I either get showered, dressed and start my day or go back to bed for a few hours sleep.

I remember when this occurred when we were newly weds and living in a one room granny flat, my husband would be quite perturbed by his wife morphing into a whirling dervish silently cleaning the flat at some godforsaken hour. He would be so concerned as to what was wrong but he slowly got used to it. I never had an explanation for it, which was very confusing for him. He thought I must be hiding the reason from him but I honestly had no answer.

It is something I have often wondered about but I do not actually think it has ever arisen in therapy so I have never discussed it in more detail. I am writing about it now as it happened last night. It is more difficult in our house now for me to do a clean sweep of the house while the family are sleeping so I wondered what movement I could do instead. I definitely needed to move about. I found my acupressure mat and thought perhaps it would help move the energy around my body instead of me physically moving. I knew it would help unblock energy channels like acupuncture does and so I thought I would give it a go.

I put my calming meditation music on softly. That is okay as my husband is used to that so I knew it would not disturb him. I followed my usual routine with my acupressure mat. I lay on my back for about twenty minutes, then turned on to my front for a similar time and then on my back again. I could actually feel the energy buzz dissipate and my body relaxing. I did not feel sleepy, I felt calm. My heartbeat slowed down and I felt no more tension in my body. It was as if all the jittery energy had flowed out of me. Wonderful.

I got up and went back to bed and fell fast asleep. There is a serenity about me this morning although our house is full of busy-ness with workmen hammering and hoovering. It is such a relief that I feel good. I like feeling this way and I am acutely aware I do not often feel like this. Instead I usually feel anxious with a busy head. So now I am wondering as the acupressure mat worked wonders on my body, if that energy buzz that occurred is due to pent up energy. As I have previously mentioned, I always thought my dad's manic energy that caused such terrible pain in my body when he beat me was stored in my lower back area. Now I wonder if some of that energy transferred to my body and has stayed within me as pockets of simmering frenetic energy. Every now and again one of these pockets acts like a balloon that is full to bursting and when it does it causes me to have one of these episodes where I have to move about.

I know this may sound mad but it is my way of trying to make sense of my stuff. Why do I wake up at random times and need to move? I suppose the crux of the matter is that I have always felt different. I felt like an outsider looking in. Life situations have not helped me with this but more of that another time. When I was young, I tried to fit in and be 'normal' like others but there has always been a juxtaposition between my 'normal' and everyone else's. I have grown to embrace who I am and am now at ease with feeling different. That does not stop me from trying to understand why I am like I am and what impact a traumatic upbringing had on me. Looking at the wider perspective, I feel if I can figure that out, I will be okay. All I want is to be happy and calm with peace in my life.