Look for the helpers*

It has been a difficult few weeks and at times, I have had no energy, no sleep and no time for me. So what has kept me going? Well firstly, my innate life force but secondly, little pockets of positivity help me through each day. This week, neighbours have offered to go shopping for us, a neighbour who is having a horrid time herself bought toffees for the two men in the house and flowers for me. The younger generation of the neighbourhood have walked our dogs. This is over and above friends messaging and reaching out. I am so grateful for them all.

Previously, I have felt so alone and ashamed to ask for help. But I realise I need help at times like these, I can no longer carry the burden on my own. I have changed a lot. From only ever considering and caring for others, I have now learnt to think about and care for myself. I am not a robot or a Duracell bunny that can just keep on going. I need support. Therapy has taught me this.

That is a huge consideration for me. I am worthy. I do not have to feel ashamed. Obviously I still have many a time where I feel unworthy but I am working on that. I try not to minimise my thoughts and feelings any more. I have someone else who does that anyway but now I try to ignore his insults and derogatory comments.

One very special person has been on my mind a lot in the past few weeks. That is my Mum. She was one of the world's helpers and she taught me to be like that too. Really, all the positive, humble, humanitarian facets of my character, I learnt from my Mum. In her later years, no matter how ill she was, she would still try and help me. I would find the laundry had been folded, or the countertops were wiped clean or the washing would be hung up. All the little jobs that needed doing but I had not got round to yet, she would do them.

I really appreciated her help then and I know she would have been a huge support to me now. She still is, in my mind, I think of her all of the time. So much so I dreamt of her in my sleep. She was looking for me and I could see her across a green as clear as day. I waved and called but she could not hear me. I saw her bumping into a mutual friend who pointed to where I was. She determinedly started walking towards me.....ting-a-ling-a-ling. My alarm woke me up.

Don't you just hate when that happens?

* Quote from Fred Rogers