My get up and go has got up and gone.

Yes, I have been quiet. He is still in hospital experiencing a rollercoaster ride of health related events. I had hoped and thought I may be able to rest, relax and recuperate but nope. Friends have shown concern at my exhausted face enhanced by the dark rings under my stressed eyes. My sleep has continued to be restless, my oomph has not reappeared and my mind has been swirling and twirling like a chaotic eddy. All of no help to me at all. But I accept it and will let it be.

I know the ten years of caring for my Mum had a huge effect on me. I think now he is in hospital and going through all those ups and downs, those memories and nightmares of my Mum's hospital stays are coming back to haunt me. I have been triggered numerous times recently, with a couple of panic attacks thrown in for good measure. Joys.

I am feeling the need to conserve my energy and protect myself at present. I am also trying not to think about his discharge from hospital and his re-entry into home life.

I will be okay. I have asked for professional help and I know my support network of friends and neighbours are there for me at anytime.

It has taken me a long time to be able ask for help as I have previously mentioned but at long last I am stepping up and using my voice without any shame attached. And you know what? Help is provided. Now I can accept it without shame too.

[Shame, a word bandied about so often, especially in the country of my birth, with no due thought attached to its meaning. Shame is something I still struggle with every day as those who have been abused will understand. Definitely a substantial topic for a future post.]

Opening up and being vulnerable as I have in this blog, I have found a surge of support and for that I am grateful. I am still at the stage of wondering whether this is a good idea or whether I should just write a journal for my own eyes. From your reactions though, I have gauged that this has been helpful for some and eye-opening for others. Actually, the reactions to my blog have been as varied as the audience reading it. I may decide to cast it open to a wider audience in the future but right now I need to just put one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe.

PS The doorbell just rang. Our neighbour who is a very experienced nurse and who has been a godsend on numerous occasions with Dad, was standing there. He needed help. It made me think how easy it has always been for me to help others but how much of a struggle it has been for me to ask for help.