Rollercoaster

Being a carer is certainly a rollercoaster. A rollercoaster of emotions. One day is calm and peaceful, the next may be hectic and mad and the following just so-so. I have found trying to rest on the calm days is helpful as you never know when life is going to get turned upside down as a carer and you may need that backup supply of energy and sleep at any time. Trouble with that is, you never get on top of the housework and all the other chores. So I always feel I am five steps behind with everything.

I had a goodnight's sleep last night after the two and a half hours the night before. So at least I feel human this morning. Dad was actually trying to get himself dressed when I went to help him. Think he feels like he is losing his independence as he is getting more frail and that is hard for him to accept. He keeps saying that ageing is the worst thing about life.

He is one of the fortunate ones who has had very few issues with ill health through the years. So he now feels that everything has hit him at once and he is really struggling with that. He keeps on pushing himself to manage but also despises the fact he is very slow walking and thinking these days. But ultimately, he is running out of puff and he cannot reverse that. That is something he finds so difficult as he has always managed to persuade or manipulate people to do as he wants but now he cannot even get his own mind and body to reverse the changes and it seems like he is giving up.

How do I feel? I have had a lot of personal therapy to deal with my issues relating to him and through therapy I found my way to deal with him is to think of him as a lodger or elderly neighbour. So I have had to detach myself from the thought of him being my parent. That seems to work and helps me get through the day to day grind.