Sitting with the unease

Some days I feel uneasy in this world. I feel the unease in my body, mind and soul. I do not know why it happens, it just does. I wake up in the morning and things just do not feel right. This morning it happened. I slept well enough, although I could always do with more sleep. I got up and carried out my usual morning routine but something was not right.

I often have days when I am really clumsy or get my words muddled but this feels different. I also have noticed times where I seem not to be in my body; I am floating above myself, observing myself walking down the street, for example. It is definitely me but there is a disconnect between my body and my mind. [I have mentioned this in therapy a few times but it has not yet been processed fully.]

Today I am in my body but it feels like each and every cell is jittery; nothing is still in my body or mind. I have a dull headache. My mood is so-so. The weather outside is miserable - extremely wet and windy. That does not help.

Today, my unease is not caused by my dad as he is still asleep. I try to tiptoe around the kitchen each morning so I do not wake him up as that would mean I would have to deal with him. I wish to have as little as possible to do with him, so I always hope he will stay asleep until his carer arrives. Then they can have the responsibility.

Christmas is on the horizon and that is always a difficult time for me. My Mum loved it so much in her latter years especially. She was like a young child full of wonder for the bright lights and joyful times. I really miss her excitement at this time of year. It makes me very sad. As for Christmas day, that is just another day of the year for me with cooking, cleaning, etc.

It has been a strange time for our family recently, with major travel plans having to be put on hold due to Covid-19. Also, I have decided not to attend a concert I was really looking forward to as I would have to wear a mask for the whole time and I really struggle with wearing a mask due to a serious assault years ago. Seeing others wearing masks is also a trigger for me so a whole arena audience with masks on would be too much for me. I had booked the concert when the rules were more relaxed. C'est la vie.

[I have worked hard on desensitising myself though so I do manage to wear a mask for short periods as I feel it is my civic duty. I also do not want to feel different and be asked the reason why I do not wear a mask as that would be a trigger. So wearing one is easier than not wearing one, if you know what I mean.]

Anyway, prospective happy times are being postponed or cancelled and life as we knew it pre-Covid-19 is being disturbed once again. I am usually okay with change although I have noticed as I age, my anxiety regarding change is increasing.

Sitting here writing this with my dogs close by my side while I listen to calming music is helping as tears and thoughts are released. And in turn, I am feeling more grounded. I am fortunate that I have the time and safe space to help myself like this. I remember often feeling this way on my way to work and I would make sure to try to give myself at least fifteen minutes quiet time before starting my working day. I realise that is not always possible though.

One of the meditations I listen to states 'life is meant to be easy'. Today does not feel like it. It feels like a real unnerving jittery type of day.

I must remember to take even more gentle care of myself today.

PS A migraine hit the day after.