Still waters

So after yesterday's craziness, today has been much calmer so far. After re-reading my account of yesterday, I realised that even though I do not want to get drawn into his drama, I still do. Even though I try to take a deep breath and stay calm, his frantic energy still engulfs me. How can I stop myself from being dragged into his maelstrom?

I know that when I meditate before seeing him each day, I am more grounded and able to stay calm. But yesterday, I did not get a chance to do that. Should I wake up an hour earlier so I can meditate? I also need my sleep though. My husband has been very kind in helping my dad at bedtime so I could go to sleep earlier and then wake up earlier too. Maybe that is the answer. I will try it for a week or two and see how that goes.

When I had therapy outdoors, I asked the therapist how I could summon up a stillness or 'groundedness' (is that even a word?!) on the spur of the moment. At the time we were walking along the canal. So she told me to stop and as my mind works in images, she told me to focus on a section of the opposite bank of greenery. She asked me to sit for a few minutes and take in the view. I remember it was very green. There were ferns and a few small trees and all the greenery melted together. I am not sure if it was my frame of mind at the time or whether it was the distraction of walkers with dogs but I could not settle and focus. My eyes would dart here and there at the slightest movement. I found it really difficult to absorb that image.

Suddenly I realised two dogs were sitting at my feet and then I realised two elderly men who had also been walking down this narrow canal path had stopped right next to us. In fact one of them was standing between my therapist and me with the other behind him. I have no idea why they stopped, maybe they thought we were watching some magnificent bird on the opposite bank and they wanted to see it too. Or maybe they could not get past us as my therapist was standing on the path but for whatever reason, the dogs sat at my feet and the men stood still. The few moments were captured by an absolute stillness of quiet, calm and serenity. For me, it was magical.

It still makes me giggle today as I knew exactly what expression I would find on my therapist's face. Outdoor therapy is wonderful but there can be distractions of walkers and dogs, etc. It happened quite a lot to us but I did not mind at all as seeing or even at times touching a dog would immediately ground me. But as a therapist, I could also understand her slight irritation at me being brought back to earth when I was in the midst of deeply processing my issues and needing to sit in that emotional space rather than be brought out of it by a lovely waggy tailed dog.

What I am trying to say is that although I have a blurred image of the beautiful ferns and trees when I remember that time, the composition of an image with my therapist rolling her eyes, two elderly men standing between us and two dogs at my feet while I sat on a wooden railing facing the canal has stayed with me always. It makes me smile every time so it may not calm me down but it does brighten my mood. I think that is an important thing to remember. Friends, therapists and others can offer you suggestions to help you but you need to adapt them or find a way that suits you.

So, what I need to do before I see him face to face and get drawn into his web of frenetic energy that seems to clutch on to me and not let me breathe, is either think of that tall strong oak tree that stood huge and unwavering in the wood or remember one of those funny moments in outdoor therapy where unplanned events occurred and made me smile and definitely eased the tension within me. I have a vast bank of other strong trees and images, I can bring to mind too, I must just open my mind's door and let them in before I open his door.