Therapy (part 2)

I then had a few years break from therapy as I needed time to try out and work on the coping strategies I had discovered during the therapy outdoors. I needed to see what worked for me in my situation and what would never work. I also wanted to focus on my grief for my Mum's passing. I felt the need to honour and acknowledge those deep-rooted emotions that were sweeping me along every day.

After a few years, I started searching for a new therapist. An issue that has arisen many a time in my therapy sessions is that of body trauma. So my latest therapist had recommended I find a therapist who was experienced and trained in somatic therapy. I reached out to a number of them but they were all too busy. I then found a therapist quite far away, who stated she had some experience with this type of work. Unfortunately, it did not work out as once again, I did not feel safe in the initial session even though we were just talking. She had asked what my issues were and then had organised them into descending order of priority to divide them up into weekly sessions. Noooooooooooo. That filled me with dread! I cannot deal with my past trauma in a neat and tidy therapy session. I am all over the place with my 'stuff' and one issue will lead on to another issue or I will go round in ever-increasing circles as events unfold. My past trauma is definitely not organised in an orderly manner like chapters of a book, it is haphazard and cluttered like our spare room!

After that session, again I was not grounded and I remember sitting in a heap on a bench in a railway station far from home trying to focus and remember to board the right train home. I sobbed all the way back home. She had unleashed a can of worms.

Needless to say, I did not return.

Instead, I decided to find a talking therapist nearer home. I had never experienced pure, plain talking therapy before but I thought it may be easiest for me at that time. I found a wonderful therapist who I warmed to straight away and felt I could trust and that I would also be kept safe and held in her sessions. I had booked a block of twelve sessions with her so I could deal with specific issues that had arisen with dad and that was really helpful. I was able to let it all go.

I then had a year's break before returning to therapy with her for a further block of sessions. Sort of a top up if you will. But I realised I was very comfortable with her and she vary rarely delved into the deeper issues that I knew I still had within me. I knew I needed to be challenged - in a safe and pleasant therapeutic way!

So after a further break, Covid-19 appeared in our lives. Just when I thought I was doing okay, a whole lot of inner turmoil and trauma relating to mask wearing, safety in and outdoors, etc, raised its ugly head. I knew I needed therapy, I was on a very slippery slope once again.

I searched for a new therapist. The outdoors was calling my name but the logistics of travelling at that time was too problematic so I looked for a very experienced talking therapist nearby. I found one and I thought it would be face to face therapy but it was on Zoom. That presented innate triggered responses for me, more of which another time. But I faced up to the challenge and started therapy with her. It was fascinating and very different from f2f therapy but I am pleased I did it and I did okay! It helped me a lot through very difficult times. I felt safe and held in our sessions and that is all important.

I have found that creating an art journal whilst undergoing therapy has been really helpful. It is a place like this blog to release emotions and thoughts and also to highlight any lightbulb moments that I would like to remember. So after each session, I would try to create an image - in words and pictures - relating to that session. As it takes me a while to process stuff, this creative activity also aided that process. I have always remembered events as images with other senses being less heightened.

As to my future - who knows what therapy I will have next? I am still hoping to experience somatic therapy sometime, as I really believe that will unlock the rest of my body trauma. I so want to set it free so I can be happy and free and not weighed down. Peace.