Thoughts swirling and whirling.

It is silly o'clock and I cannot get back to sleep. I had already been awake for an hour when my dad called for help. He is in pain and wants painkillers. Unfortunately he has had his quota for the past 24 hours and will have to wait a few hours before he can have some more. I felt bad about not being able to help him but I have heard of the dangers of overdosing on painkillers so I explained that to him. Obviously he was not happy but he realised I was talking sense. He is now asleep as is the rest of the household. It is just little old me whose mind is whirring and tumbling around causing insomnia.

There are a couple of things playing on my mind. One is that I hate seeing anyone in pain, even him. And I cannot help him. The other is that he has recently had a medical procedure and so I am wondering if there is something more sinister happening within his body. An infection maybe? I will contact the GP surgery in the morning so he can be checked over. Surely a few more hours of waiting will be okay.

I have a feeling of unease about the situation and I know the root cause. My dad has 'cried wolf' so often, it almost reaches an infinite number of times. The smallest knock would cause him to writhe in pain and my Mum and I would be so confused as the action and his reaction would not meld. We always thought he was just being dramatic as is his want.

As I write this, I am reminded of my recent blog post about my back pain and wonder if he suffers from a similar affliction. Has his body also stored past traumatic memories and pain? That could be the case. Or maybe he just has a lower pain threshold? I know my Mum and I thought he was playing up for his audience to get attention. He has always enjoyed having an audience. Hence his job as a minister and his second job as a children's entertainer. He revelled in the limelight. I, on the other hand have always shied away from it.

I am mindful that later this morning I had an appointment booked to discuss my desperation with being the unwilling carer. I cancelled it yesterday. I had contacted the GP surgery online about 5 weeks ago with tears streaming down my face as I could not cope. I actually wrote that I was at the end of my tether. I received an appointment for today. During the substantial wait, a lot has happened and my dad and I have had three weeks apart. Even with all my angst while he was in hospital, I do feel that break away from him was nourishing for my soul. And now he has a carer come to help him every morning, I am feeling less stressed about the situation. (He also seems to be much stronger now than when he went into hospital, which is wonderful. Amazing what medical science can achieve.) Although my husband and I still need to deal with him for the remaining 23 hours of each day. That is difficult as I bear the brunt of that care.

So why did I cancel this important appointment? Each day, a different carer is appearing and so each morning I have to be around to guide them. Also, some equipment is being delivered this morning that will assist my dad in his day to day routine. That needs to be installed correctly. We have got two other visitors this morning so it is going to be quite full on. With all that happening I did not feel that I could concentrate on a phone call, especially one that may be distressing for me. So I have given up on assistance for myself once again to be there for others. I realise this happens far too often and needs to change. Will I book a future appointment? Or will I wait until I am at breaking point once again? We will see. (I realise it may be at least another five weeks before I get a new appointment.)

A related thought.

There is so much talk and publicity about mental health these days. I see it on bus shelters, buses and even football pundits on TV mention it. It is everywhere I look. I feel that is a good start in the long awaited public emergence of such issues. But when I reached out to the GP surgery, I was given an appointment with a physician's associate. I had never heard of one of those before. Now, I do not mind who I speak to as long as they have relevant qualifications, they actively listen to me and they offer relevant help but I see that as a bit of a put down. It feels as if your mental health is not that important so you do not need to speak to a GP. I may be talking out of turn here, maybe this person has a greater depth of knowledge and training in mental health issues than the GP? I do not know. I do understand the financial and human resources constraints on the NHS and I am grateful for the appointment. But I do think as mental health issues are rightly becoming more public and open in society, the assistance offered needs to be at a similar level to that of physical illnesses. Our mind and body are one and need to be treated holistically.

Right, I will get off my soapbox now and try and get a bit more kip. Thanks for 'listening.'