Turning off the tap

The analogy of turning a tap on or off came to mind when thinking about my emotional state during the past week. There is so much going on here at present and I feel like I just need to ride the wave without tapping into my emotions. I know that if I express emotion, I will not be able to get it all organised as I will not be able to function. And I need to function as all these chores and issues revolve around me taking responsibility for them. I seem to be the only one who has the time and inclination to sort it all out. It is a big burden for anyone and it definitely is for me.

So what have I done to keep me going and manage each day? I have turned off my emotions. I am running on auto-pilot like a robot. This has always been a coping strategy since I was little. Terrible things would happen at home but I would go to school and be the mouse in the class. Quiet and subdued, hoping no-one would notice me as I just needed to get through the school day. My mind was really not on my schoolwork, even though I tried so hard to focus. No, my thoughts were at home with my dear Mum, wondering if she would be waiting for me at the school gates at home-time or whether he had caused her injury or worse while I was not there to protect her.

Actually I never wanted to go to school as I wanted to stay home to be there for my Mum. So when I first started school, I was one of those children who would be dragged into the classroom screaming and not wanting to let go of my Mum. I always felt that might be the last time I saw her. When I became a teacher, I could really empathise with those children. I was acutely aware of how they were feeling, for whatever their reasons.

But once I was in the classroom with my school friends, the emotions would be turned off. I could not be with my Mum so I was physically present in class but my thoughts were with her.

The reason why I have not written a blog post for a week is that I knew if I started writing, an outpouring of emotions would occur. And that would cause me to spiral downwards into the dark recesses of my mind. I have been in a battle with myself about this blog. Why am I writing this for others to see? Why am I not just keeping it all to myself? I am writing under a pseudonym for blatantly obvious reasons, I would think. Would I ever feel comfortable with using my real name? Hmm, possibly. When the time is right. But not yet.

I have been talking about my situation more openly recently. As he no longer wants this care package, I have been asked whether I would feel okay with taking on his care. 'No' is the quick response. Sometimes I am pressed for the reason why, and I explain we have a 'history'. Social care workers understand those words and I do not have to say anything more.

I can say those words without emotion now. The tap used to be turned on fully at the thought of that. Not so much the history but the shame of it all. But now we are living in a time of greater awareness and empathy. The words are all I need.

Don't worry, the tap will be turned on again soon and the outpouring will occur once I am over this bump in the road. This coping strategy has served me well in the past and I am grateful for it. Although, I know my therapists all worked so hard trying to unearth my emotions and I understand why. I always felt they were really earning their money working with me. It must have been like entering a deep dark mine with a tiny flashlight and small pick and chisel. They would have to tap away at walls containing huge boulders of rock before they would find a tiny fleck or strand of an emotion. If they did not latch on to it immediately, it would fall out of their grasp back into the sheer darkness.

So I am aware of how important it is to set your emotions free. My Mum and I always said we would be the ones to get sick as we kept our feelings within ourselves, whereas my dad on the other hand just spilled them all out everywhere and therefore he would be okay.