Unfeeling

Early on in my therapy outdoors, I was telling the therapist what my home life was like. She stopped me and said I was telling her absolutely horrific stuff but I had a smile on my face. Why was I doing that? I was surprised. I had no idea I had a smile on my face. She asked how I was feeling. I felt numb with nothingness; zero emotion. She wondered why that was. I just told her that was the way my home life was and I could do nothing to change it. So I had to live with it. I looked at her as if to ask if she had any more questions. She had interrupted my flow. I felt the need to tell her all this stuff as she needed to know. All I needed to do was offload it onto someone who had empathic ears. Those are what therapists have, don't they?

I was a play therapist, by this time practicing for five years. I knew my job and how to encourage my client's process and progress but obviously had no idea what to do with my own issues. [I can see all the therapists reading this with a wry smile on their faces.]

I continued my monologue of all my stuff. I have an idea that it was expressed in a monotonous tone too. Unfeeling, just words being spouted out. Verbal diarrhoea. Once again, she interrupted me. I stopped. I wondered, 'is this what is going to happen continuously during my therapy?'

I was beginning to think, this was not for me. Play therapy is based on person-centred therapy and I wished to participate in such therapy for myself. Once again, she told me I was still smiling but what I was telling her was even more horrific. FFS! How could I stop myself smiling? I had to consciously keep my face taut so those corners of my mouth would not curl up. That knocked my thoughts off kilter.

I told her I do not know how to stop smiling as I did not even realise I was smiling. She looked hard at me. I was not 'getting it', was I? The smiling was not the real issue here. She was trying to get some real emotion out of me. But I did not click. And she knew. She asked if one of my friends was telling me this stuff with a smile on their face, how would I feel? I said that would make me sad. I continued my monotonous monologue without a flicker of deeper emotion but I was proud of myself as I think I had finally managed to stop myself from smiling by now.

I glimpsed at her, she looked slightly aggrieved. Oh dear, I had upset my therapist. Not a good start to my intervention. We had moved down some stone stairs, off the woodland pathway onto the canal pathway that lead under a bridge. I have a feeling - a slightly blurry memory that she touched my shoulder quite forcibly and that shook me. I indignantly glanced at her. She was aghast and desperate. Her face was in shock. I tried to remember what I had just told her. Why had that caused such a reaction? I was bewildered.

She came in with her verbal 'killer punch' ..."if one of your children (clients) told you all this stuff with a smile on their faces, what would you do?"

Knockdown/knock out. Round one to the therapist. She had got me. That felt like a knife through my heart. The tears flowed (and are flowing now). In the blur, she looked satisfied. She had broken through my very thick, built up defences. She had at last caused a metaphorical gash to open which would in turn, enable my suppressed emotions to flow out and let the light in. Breakthrough!

I may have written about that incident previously but as you can see, it made a major impact on me and still does.

So, when I had to help dad with his morning care routine the other day as his carer was unable to come, I was slightly anxious. But it all went without a hitch. He would tell you, I became very teacher-like and bossed him about. He has always thrown that in my face but now I realise, it has always been my way of coping with him. It helped me feel more confident dealing with him. A definite coping strategy.

These days, he does not have the oomph or can be bothered to argue or put me in my place. So that helps too. But there was one thing I realised and that was that I had no conscious emotions dealing with him. I did not feel anything. I could have been dressing a mannequin. There was no feeling.

It made me think about the experience above and I wondered if it was the same. Was I suppressing my feelings once again. I have tried so hard to be authentic and express my emotions and not keep them bottled up any more. So, what was happening in this interaction with dad.

You may think differently but I came to the conclusion that I have no more emotion regarding that man. I am not prepared to use up any more of my precious life force on him. He has syphoned enough of that over the years. He had such a hold on my Mum and me for so many years but she is free and I am too, albeit in a different way.

That is how I feel this week; will I feel the same next week, who knows? However I feel is okay. But I do think the shackles have at last broken free and I can live my life for me not with some overbearing shadow of a wicked human male bearing down on me.

I wish you well.

PS At the end of my intervention, my therapist told me that scenario had been really difficult for her. She felt I was pushing back at her therapeutic advances and thereby concealing my true feelings. I explained it was definitely not intentional. I had felt numb and had no feeling while I was telling her all my 'stuff'.