Well, I just had to sit me down...

...before I fell over! I was explaining this is his last free week of carers' assistance. I reminded him that the agreement was four free weeks and then two more weeks for which he would have to pay. Then we would all sit down and discuss any further requirements. He has been vehemently adamant that he does not need the carers and he can manage himself. I have even had to persuade him a number of times to continue with the carers for these four weeks. He has reluctantly agreed to that each time before he has another moment of hating them.

Anyway, I explained this is now week four and would he like me to phone their office to stop the carers or would he like them to continue. It has to be his decision. He is still lucid and rational (with some obvious issues) and I want to respect him as a human. I do not want to reciprocate the way he treated me, I want him to have the autonomy to decide what happens in his life. Obviously that may make my life difficult but I strongly believe one should treat others with respect. Anyhoo, he said they can continue for the following two weeks. I stutteringly repeated the fact he would have to pay, he said that he would. Well, blow me down with a feather! I did not see that coming.

I wonder if it had something to do with our very serious chat the other day when he was dissing the carers, once they had left. He said he did not want them to come any more and will definitely not pay for their services. I explained that would be his choice but I also said that he cannot take his savings with him when he dies. He has worked really hard for that money. Considering him and my Mum came from very poor backgrounds and most of the time as a child, we had nothing, he has done well for himself. I have previously mentioned, congregation members regularly giving us food and clothing parcels. He also worked two or three jobs at times.

I told him I thought he should use the money now he needs it for carers as he has earned it. So I think he has been mulling this all over and decided that would be the best thing for him to do. We will see.

Regarding having difficult conversations, if there is one piece of advice I can offer anyone, it is to talk about the really difficult issues in life and death. My Mum and I fortunately had a lot of time to discuss everything about her aging, her health, her death, her funeral, her possessions....everything. So when the time came, I knew what she wanted and was able to carry out her wishes. Believe me, it was really difficult to do and there were so many hugs and tears and boxes of tissues used up but I think it helped her and it was a great comfort to me to know that I was 'doing things right' by her.

We did not sit down and say 'okay today, we're talking about your funeral hymns'. It all came out in natural conversation. Yes, sometimes things happened which would be a natural lead in to a deeper conversation and we both seemed to take those opportunities even when we knew they would cause us to be so heartsore and raw.

So, for example, when the dreaded time came and the consultant asked me the very serious question about CPR for my Mum, I could hand on my heart say 'no thanks, she did not want it'. I knew because we had spoken about it. There were many other questions that followed her death and I felt so relieved as I could follow her wishes. For example, if she wanted donations or flowers for her funeral, the charities where she wanted her clothes to be donated, etc.

I understand how difficult it is to talk about these issues but it is so important to do. Especially for those left behind. It will give you a sense of control amidst the chaos and confusion, when it is needed most.

Anyway, here I am once again, trying to be respectful of someone else's feelings and their thoughts. This time it is my dad who never afforded me this respect but I can do it. It takes up too much energy hating him and leaves me feeling nauseous and wounded. I want to use my energy and focus on positive thoughts to help me feel better and help me lead a happier life. I realise it will take some time but I can do it.