What a day!

Five strangers visited our house today. They were all booked into my diary so I knew they were coming but was not sure of definite times. My anxiety levels were at their highest. Fortunately my husband could deal with one of them, so that left me with four. One is working here all week so that was okay. As for the others, well, one was just coming to deal with my dad but the other two were carers so my dad and I needed to both chat to them.

Why was I anxious? I bet if you asked any of them if they thought I was, they would have said no, I seemed fine. Not fine as therapists know it, i.e. Feeling Insecure Neurotic (and) Emotional. But 'fine' as everyone else understands it to be.

I was anxious because although I knew he would turn on the charm as he always does, I was unsure what he would think about it all.

By the end of the day, I did not know if I was coming or going. But at least I feel I have achieved something today. I have found a care agency with availability and a possible private carer. Both had been recommended. Huge relief. Now I just need to persuade himself to say 'yes'.

The morning had not started off well, I had explained their costs to him and he replied that he does not want to pay that much. I think he has regressed back to the days of shillings and pence when everything seemed cheaper in his world. I told him in no uncertain terms that he needs to pay carers their worth! They do a wonderful job that is really difficult. He worked out the cost for a week and said he would refuse to pay that much. So I asked how much he would be willing to pay. He said ten pound less than that total. I said well, in that case I'll pay the tenner extra! He just gave me a look. He gives me a lot of looks these days. His eyes bore into me and I just turn away.

His whole point is that I should be doing it out of duty. No. Why should I? He did not do his duty as a father to protect and care for me.

Enough said.