When grief creeps up on you.

We have had a hectic time in our home recently. Chores we would have slowly partaken of during the next two or three years have had to be completed swiftly due to the imminent arrival of our lodgers. So changes that would have been meticulously planned and carried out over time have been rushed. But that is what life does, it throws you curveballs and you adapt. You do your best and that is all you can ask of yourself.

Through all this upheaval there has been one slightly unexpected response that I have experienced a number of times. That is grief. It is six and a half years since my beloved Mum passed and those tsunamis of grief are few and far between now. (Apart from anniversaries and times of celebration, that is.) But what I seem to experience instead now is an overwhelming sadness whenever I unexpectedly find any of her possessions. Clearing out cupboards, and finding shoeboxes with her bits and bobs, I have found some of her precious possessions. She was notorious for hiding her jewellery in various places so 'any burglars would not find it all'. Not that she had a lot but it was all very precious to her. For example, I found her watch in an old envelope. I showed it to my husband and the next thing I was in floods of tears. It had reminded me of how tiny her wrists were. That is what had caused my eyes to water.

Another time, I found a brooch she loved so much, in a shoebox. Memories of her being so happy wearing it brought tears to my eyes. I had placed my two memory boxes of her at the top of the wardrobe and my husband found them. He opened them and showed me but I could not see due to my wet blurry eyes. The sadness is still immense. I still hear her voice and picture her giggles. The memories are close at hand. They bring me comfort. But holding her precious objects in my hands caused an eruption of tears. I was surprised how they vanished as quickly as they had appeared. (Usually after a big bear hug from my empathic husband.)

I think of her every day but I suppose my thoughts are with her now especially as my husband and I are moving into my folks' old bedroom. I am trying to make it our own and also 'lessen' all the horrible nightmarish experiences my Ma and I shared in this room. Staying up all night, kneeling at her bedside whilst watching her like a hawk as her breathing faded or the skin around her mouth turned blue. Waiting for the moment I would need to phone 999. Phew! A lot of sleepless nights, stress and strain took its toll on me during the ten years I cared for my Mum in this room.

Now, it is to become our safe haven - a place to rest and relax. I have enjoyed smudging with the windows wide open to circulate the static air. I have played our favourite music and danced happily. We have moved the furniture around. We now have the dogs' calm energy in here with us too. All in all, I am feeling much better about this being our bedroom now. Change is needed at times. This seems to be one of those times. And at present, I feel at ease. Big relief.